


i want 'em back / the minds we had

by antpelts



Series: come home to my heart [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: (in the past), Alternate Universe - College/University, Bisexual Jeremy Heere, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Eating Disorders, Feelings Realization, Fire, Gay Michael Mell, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Jeremy Heere, Trans Michael Mell, literally no one cares but the boys are left handed :/
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:47:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23525602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antpelts/pseuds/antpelts
Summary: "Two years.Michael hadn’t had a proper conversation with Jeremy in like two years."After the.. incident Michael doesn't talk to Jeremy much. He finds himself and tried to just get on with his life. Until Jeremy stumbles right back in.
Relationships: Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Series: come home to my heart [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1704364
Comments: 49
Kudos: 111





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> can u tell i hate being cooped up im writing like theres no tomorrow  
> wanted to try my hand at boyf riends but i do have more expensive headphones in the works ;p

Two years.

Michael hadn’t had a proper conversation with Jeremy in like two years. (Closer to 20 months if you were counting, he tried not to.) Sure, they went to each other’s grad parties, they saw each other at prom, they sent texts for holidays and birthdays but.. It wasn’t the same. If he found out anything new about Jeremy it came from social media - his snap story, his private twitter, his instagram. They didn’t talk beyond occasionally sliding up on each other’s stories.

At first it really bothered him. A lot. Of course it did, when you’re that close to someone it’s hard to let go. 

It’s still hard sometimes.

But he was working on it. That and a computer science degree. And a part time job. Ugh.

 **richie rich (8:22 pm):** mikeyyyyyyyy bitchhhh  
 **mikey mike (8:25 pm):** richieeeeeeeeeeeeeee  
 **richie rich (8:27 pm):** totally weird, but  
 **richie rich (8:27 pm):** would u know if somethings going on w jer?  
 **mikey mike (8:28 pm):** heere? no  
 **mikey mike (8:28 pm):** ur like the only person i really talk to outside of my cs classes

It was true, really. At some point as their junior year of high school was wrapping up Rich and Michael found themselves intertwined. It was definitely not as intense as he had known Jeremy but.. it was good. Michael set up boundaries and Rich respected them. They tried prom and.. it didn’t quite work. They liked each other but neither was really ready for any sort of serious relationship. They had their fair share of makeouts in Michael’s cruiser or basement but at the end of the day it just didn’t work. They were fine with that.

 **richie rich (8:29 pm):** he just like messaged ne  
 **richie rich (8:29 pm):** ne  
 **richie rich (8:29 pm):** ME  
 **mikey mike (8:29 pm):** ne  
 **richie rich (8:30 pm):** en eeee ways  
 **richie rich (8:31 pm):** it was just weird like he asked how i was and how you were  
 **mikey mike (8:32 pm):** hm  
 **mikey mike (8:32 pm):** if hes so curious why didnt he text me  
 **richie rich (8:33 pm):** hes prolly kinda scared to talk to u dude  
 **richie rich (8:34 pm):** i mean. know. a. fence. but u did kinda freak on him at prom  
 **richie rich (8:37 pm):** not that u were wrong u know i dont blame you

Right, junior prom.

He didn’t remember it too much, really he tried to actively forget. It wasn’t one of his finest moments. But by that point Jeremy’s fucking _voice_ felt like someone was taking a cheese grater to his brain and he just couldn’t help it.

* * *

_“What are you trying to say?” Michael couldn’t keep the bite out of his voice, pretending that he didn’t notice the way Jeremy winced._

_“I m-mean.. I just don’t get why you wouldn’t tell me.” The stutter crept into Jeremy’s words, obvious evidence that this really was bothering him, that for some reason this was some serious issue._

_“Why should I? I don’t owe you that.” With a huff Michael turned his attention back to his joint. Rich hated smoke and Christine wasn’t one for any sort of drug so despite any awkwardness Michael and Jeremy headed out to his car for a smoke (neither of them really liked crowds). “It’s not even like we hid it. You all know.”_

_“S-Sure,” Jeremy mumbled, dropping his gaze to his shoes before taking a drag off his own joint. “I just thought.. I thought you’d tell me.”_

_“I’m allowed to.. see people, Jer.”_

_“Shit! I’m not.. I_ know _that, Michael. I don’t mean to..” A hand moved to brush hair from his eyes, fingers twitching nervously. “I just thought.. we..”_

_“We what?” It came out harsh, he couldn’t tell if it was purposeful._

_“You know! W-We.. I thought we were..”_

_“We’re not.. really friends, Jeremy.” There was a beat as Michael took another long drag, avoiding making eye contact. He knew exactly what face Jeremy would be making, it would just be harder if he really saw it. “At least not like before.”_

_“S-Still,” it came out sounding so_ small _and it took everything for Michael to not just take it back, “we’ve been through.. so much, I..”_

 _“We? What have_ we _been through?” Michael kicked at the pavement, scattering some stones. “I won’t try and tell you that you haven’t been through shit. Trust me, I know. But fuck dude. We all went through shit. And you put_ me _through shit.”_

_“So did R-Rich!”_

_“And guess what,” with one last drag Michael was finishing the joint, putting it out, “he fucking owns up. He’s done a lot of shit to try and make things right. It’s a hell of a lot easier to forgive someone when they’re not making you feel like shit for being hurt!”_

_“I_ don’t _want you to f-feel like shit!”_

 _“Really?” Michael shoved his hands in his pockets, turning his body further away, “wouldn’t have guessed it. Not only did you choose to say that shit to me after you said that the squip was off.. now after it’s fucking long gone, because of_ me _mind you, you still hide behind it. You ditched me for Christine and no matter how good of a person she is that doesn’t make it okay. I don’t know if you haven’t noticed,_ lover boy, _you haven't been trying at all!”_

_“What am I supposed to do?” Jeremy was putting his own joint out now, voice going shrill until he cringed from the sound._

_“Anything!” Michael could have laughed, now throwing his hands up in the air. “You don’t do shit! This is the first time we’ve spoken in like two weeks.”_

_“Well I’m s-sorry but.. that’s not fair.”_

_“Nothing is, Jer.” There was a defeated sigh and Michael just started heading back towards the building. “But I’m not going to sit around and fucking wait for you anymore.”_

* * *

**mikey mike (8:52 pm):** it wasnt that bad  
 **richie rich (8:55 pm):** dude its fine i wasnt there i dont know what happened  
 **richie rich (8:55 pm):** im just saying he was upset  
 **mikey mike (8:56 pm):** so was i  
 **richie rich (8:56 pm):** mikey  
 **mikey mike (8:57 pm):** i know

He knew. He had to keep telling himself that. Here he was, finishing his first semester in college, he couldn’t keep thinking about his junior year prom. Couldn’t keep getting defensive over it. Why was he defensive? People _believed_ him, people believed in his anger. There was no reason to question himself, no reason to feel.. guilty?

Did he feel guilty?

Yes and no.

Part of him did, part of him probably always would. But his therapist had been teaching him that he had a right to his hurt, a right to his anger, so he kept that in mind too. Maybe he wanted it to go differently, maybe he didn’t. It was just weird. He had already lost Jeremy, in a sense, when he lost him to the squip. He didn’t really see junior prom as losing him but.. it was weird.

He wanted Jeremy to feel bad.

But didn’t he? Feel bad, that is, Michael saw how he looked when he passed by in the halls.

It didn’t matter if he kept it to himself, that’s what he tried to tell himself. If Jeremy really felt bad about what he did then he would have made an effort. And he didn’t. He just threw himself into a relationship and made it his entire personality until it inevitably ended when they graduated high school. One part growing up, one part distance, and one part just not being too sure that it was working.. Michael bit back an ‘I called it’ when Rich told him about it. Christine didn’t deserve that at the very least.

Jeremy didn’t deserve that either.

It was weird to admit but it was nagging in the back of his brain. His moms would tell him that he was just too nice for his own good - even if he and Jeremy never spoke again he.. wanted him to be okay. How couldn’t he? Sure, he’d hide behind his hurt to everyone (even his therapist) but when he was alone he let his mind wander. He wanted Jeremy to be okay. After everything he’d seen him through.. from his mom to his mental health.. At the end of the day he couldn’t actively wish hurt upon him anymore - really he hadn’t been able to since senior year. 

That was enough self reflection for one night.

Finals week really wasn’t the time for this.

* * *

 **richie rich (2:56 pm):** pleaseee tell me youll be back in town soon  
 **mikey mike (2:58 pm):** i told u my moms said you could stay w us for winter break  
 **richie rich (2:58 pm):** ugh  
 **mikey mike (2:59 pm):** i know  
 **mikey mike (3:01 pm):** ill be back up tomorrow we can get lunch

* * *

They did. Get lunch, that is.

Campus was pretty empty and Michael knew he wasn’t appreciating it enough, in less than two weeks the sidewalks would be flooded with people again. Great.

“I wish we just got an apartment together, man.” Rich shoved his hands into his pockets while he waited for Michael to open up the door to his complex, wishing he still had his burrito from lunch. It was warm, and good, sue him.

“You like your dorm, though.”

“Yeah but.. it’s like a hassle because you gotta live on their terms, I had to do a whole thing so I didn’t have to go home for break.” It was nice to hear Rich embracing his lisp now, he stopped trying so hard to avoid any word with an ‘s’.

“Dude, love ya, no offense but.. I really like living alone, I think.”

“Hey, as long as you’re still getting out.”

“I’ve been fine!”

For once, it was the truth. Therapy was good, meds were good, his friendships were good. 

“I know, I’m glad.” The grin on Rich’s face made his shoulders relax as he finally got them inside of his apartment. It was cold, a little dark, and it _could_ be cleaner but.. it was his place. And that made him happy.

* * *

“Do you think he’s gonna text me?” Michael passed the bong to Rich, mirroring his surprised expression. Where did that come from?

“Heere?” Rich raised an eyebrow, leaning over to take a hit while Michael nodded.

“Yeah..I mean, he texted you.” There was a bit of defensiveness creeping into his voice and he rubbed his palms over his thighs.

“Do you want him to?”

Did he?

Rich’s gaze seemed to burn into the side of Michael’s head as he took the bong back, taking twice as long to take a hit. Buying himself time.

“I don’t know. It’s just.. sometimes I miss him, I think?” There was a shrug, he set the bong down on the table. “I know it’ll never be like.. before the squip again but.. I miss the general idea of what we had before that. Besides, he was.. fun. I liked being around him.”

“You know.. that’s fine.” Rich leaned forward to take back the bong from where Michael set it. “You’re allowed to miss that. Shit like that is why Jake and I started talking again. Different shit but.. similar.”

“Yeah.. yeah.” A look of thoughtfulness crossed Michael’s face, he fumbled with the distressing on the knee of his jeans. 

“You.. can text him. If you want.”

“Maybe.”

He brought it up, why was he suddenly so anxious? 

He couldn’t tell if he was scared to talk to Jeremy or if he was scared Jeremy wouldn’t want to talk to _him._

Since when did he care about Jeremy’s opinion? (Well, since always.) It was different now though.. Ever since Rich had brought Jeremy up a few weeks ago he found himself thinking about it at different times. Maybe he wanted a real apology, maybe he just wanted to know if Jeremy was okay. When he caved and mentioned it to his therapist she suggested that maybe he should try it, if not just to get some closure. She’d reminded him of all the work they’d done, of how far he’d come. Michael Mell wasn’t the anxiety-riddled kid anymore (he was an anxiety-riddled adult, hah) who was beyond dependent on his only friend. He was his own person now, finally separating himself from being ‘player 1’. He wasn’t Michael Mell, Jeremy’s friend. He was just Michael Mell. Maybe.. maybe this time he could be Michael Mell _and_ Jeremy’s friend.

“I fucking.. miss him, man.” A choked laugh came from Michael’s throat and Rich took it in stride - since Halloween junior year it became apparent that things bothered him more than he let on. For years he assured himself he was fine being a loser but.. now it hurt. It all came crashing down and Rich was there, they were there for each other. If anything, Michael felt better being able to let the joking facade dissipate.

“I know. That’s what I’m saying, dude,” Rich spoke softly, leaning back against the futon and letting a hand settle on Michael’s knee. “I missed Jake too so.. I reached out. It worked!”

“We’ll see man.”

* * *

 **mikey mike (11:23 pm):** richard  
 **mikey mike (11:23 pm):** richard  
 **richie rich (11:24 pm):** im fine mikey it wasnt my dorm  
 **mikey mike (11:24 pm):** i know i know where you live rich thats not what im asking  
 **mikey mike (11:24 pm):** but im beyond fucking relieved that you are not dealing with this  
 **richie rich (11:25 pm):** oh  
 **richie rich (11:25 pm):** fuck fuck yeah  
 **richie rich (11:25 pm):** thats his building

There wasn’t anything else Michael could say to that. He closed out the messages and scrolled through his university email again. A fire. A fire in a dorm. Part of him felt bad that he was glad that it wasn’t Rich’s dorm.. because it was Jeremy’s. Beyond knowing that Jeremy was attending the same school as both him and Rich he had very limited knowledge. But now Rich had given him confirmation, it _was_ Jeremy’s dorm. Michael just hoped he wasn’t on the top floor.

The next few hours were hell - it had been a while since Michael had felt like this, since time felt like this.. so fucking slow. He wasn’t in the most eloquent of mindsets.

Rich had offered his company but Michael wouldn’t have been able to deal with the guilt of asking him to walk across campus to give him some company over a panic attack. A panic attack he didn’t even want to admit he was having. The sentiment was nice though, it helped. Even if only a little. The texts faded off and Rich wished Michael a good night before taking probably a bit more melatonin than he should, and he recommended the same to Michael. Instead of prying Rich cut him some slack, accepting the unconvincing promise that he’d go to sleep.

After bouncing between apps for a few hours he found himself back on snapchat, there were a few posts on stories from people from high school, completely unrelated. There were a few more from some of the people he’d met in classes, some were freaking out, posting a far off picture of what was going on, or saying they were safe. He tried not to look at the pictures too long - groups of kids outside in pajamas, fire trucks, the _fire._ Another story caught his eye, **Jerebear.** He’d never changed the name back. Clicking on it he let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. A blurry picture, showing off his lack of shoes on pavement outside, a simple _“im safe”._ It was from just over an hour ago. Some of the tension left his body.

Some.

* * *

 **jeremy (2:01 am):** michael hry are you awakr?  
 **jeremy (2:01 am):** sorry i knwo its late  
 **michael (2:02 am):** jer? yeah  
 **jeremy (2:03 am):** im outside your aparment bulding  
 **michael (2:04 am):** howd you find my address?  
 **michael (2:04 am):** right not the time nevermind

The hallway was quiet and the walk to the front door felt twice as long. His steps echoed.. it felt uncomfortable. As he approached the door he felt his tenseness growing, outside of pictures he hadn’t seen Jeremy since the summer, maybe one fleeting glance on campus. While it hadn’t really been that long he couldn’t help but wonder if he’d look different. He paused in front of the door, letting a beat pass before he moved for the knob, slowly pulling it open. There was his answer; Jeremy looked.. exhausted, of course he did. He seemed to have found shoes and had a cardigan pulled tight around his body, the same one from high school with the stretched out sleeves. He needed a haircut, the hair flopped over his forehead, greasy from sweat.

Michael felt arms around his middle and he smelled smoke in Jeremy’s hair, on his skin.

“I d-didn’t know where to go. My dad c-called but.. I told him I had a p-place, I don’t think I can go h-home because I n-need to be here that house h-has so many memories. I can l-leave but I just.. didn’t know wh-who else I could trust o-or.. yeah.” That was Jeremy, shaky fingers curling into the fabric of Michael’s shirt, mouth running a mile a minute, tripping over his stutter.

Wait - trust?

Jeremy trusted him.

“Dude, it’s alright. Let’s go inside, it’s cold as fuck. Did you walk here?” He winced, hoping he wasn’t being too overwhelming, slipping out of Jeremy’s arms and putting an arm around his shoulders. For now he could just bring him inside and get him in the shower. The smell of smoke was making him sick.

“Y-Yeah, it’s fine.. I didn’t r-really have another choice.” He must have thought that sounded a little backhanded because he was tensing up and fiddling with his sleeves. “Really, it’s f-fine, the fact you’re letting me st-stay at all is.. I, thanks.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, its mentioned but basically jeremy is assumed straight by michael at this point, just some lore bc i do have it tagged w bi jer

The first thing he did was offer Jeremy a shower, not only did it look like he needed it.. he smelled sweaty and smokey and Michael just didn’t enjoy that for his space (ignoring the fact that he had no issue smoking weed in his place - it was different). Whatever, Jeremy smelled gross. He didn’t want to think about it.

“Shit, yeah. I f-feel better.” Jeremy shook Michael from his thoughts, creeping back into the dark living room area. One of Michael’s shirts hung awkwardly off his frame, though, the sweatpants fit pretty well. They weren’t too long, at least. It was funny to see his clothes nearly fitting someone for once, he was used to Rich basically getting lost in his clothes.

“Well yeah, no offense but you looked like shit.” Michael spoke around the spoon in his mouth, leaning forward to set the open jar of peanut butter on his rickety coffee table. “I mean,” it felt weird to immediately sort of insult him, they weren’t really back to normal banter, “you just went through some shit.”

“Yeah.. I,” Jeremy sighed, shaking his head a bit. His fingers toyed with the edge of the shirt he wore, twisting in the fabric. He looked tired, but it was a different sort of tired. There were plenty of times where Michael had seen him sad or hurt.. or anything. Instead he just looked a bit empty. A slight pang of worry struck him, that look was never good. That was the look that made you want to tuck them in and keep an eye on them whenever someone wore it. “It doesn’t feel r-real?”

“I..” Michael’s mouth just snapped shut again as he lay the spoon on top of the lid next to the jar, “yeah.”

Jeremy reached over for the jar, picking up the spoon. They hadn’t been alone together since junior year and suddenly he felt like a sophomore again, watching Jeremy dip into the peanut butter without a second thought. It was weird, it was strange for such a weird thing to make him feel.. well, weird? They hadn’t really seen each other in months and now they were sharing a spoon and a jar of peanut butter like nothing changed. There was a pang in his chest and he almost wished nothing changed - almost. 

“So, uh,” it wasn’t normal for him to feel so weird around Jeremy. He’d gone from comfortable around him to being almost unnecessarily rough around the edges. Neither of those felt right. “How has stuff been with.. uh.”

Michael gave a tap to his own chest, tilting his head.

“O-Oh! Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t.. uh.” Jeremy crossed his arms over his chest after putting the jar and spoon back on the table, but.. it was more relaxed than Michael had seen him before. “I got top surgery this last summer, super quick and easy.”

“That’s,” there was a beat where it seemed like he short circuited for a second - this was the most positive interaction they’d had in nearly two years. “That’s really great. I had a hysterectomy last summer, I’m not.. too attached to taking testosterone all the time since I got most of what I could out of it. I guess it might affect body fat again but.. feels right to stop for now.”

For a moment he hesitated before continuing. 

“Uh, since.. I guess I feel kinda.. in between? Definitely like, male leaning but.. for now I’m off it. And fuck periods so I got the hysterectomy.”

“That’s g-great, Micah. I’m really glad.” Jeremy uncrossed his arms, relaxing further into the couch. “D-Do you, uh.. pronouns?”

“He is good still but, uh, I guess Rich and I have been dabbling with they? I’m not sure yet but he’s making sure I test the waters instead of locking myself in I guess.” There was a short chuckle because if he didn’t laugh he might tear up. There was something weirdly emotional about coming out to Jeremy (in a way) for the.. third (third?) time. 

“Glad you guys a-are good, are you two.. still, uh,” trailing off Jeremy winced a bit, waving his arms out in front of him. “You d-don’t have to tell me, sorry if that was.. w-weird to ask.”

“Dude, it’s fine.” It was.. kind of fine. But he couldn’t help that protective part of him when it came to Jeremy. The personal questions felt a bit strange but he wasn’t going to shut down the conversation. “We’re not.. yeah. It just didn’t really work out. Love him to death, though. I think he’s actually been talking to Jake a lot, so who knows with that. He saw Brooke for a while but she thinks she’s a lesbian, maybe? Plus it was sort of long distance. Rich is so clingy.”

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jeremy cringe a bit. Michael couldn’t help but read into it.. had Jeremy been talking to anyone from high school while he was in college? Had he been talking to anyone.. at all?

“So, uh, how’s Christine?” Michael launched back into talking, easily picking up on Jeremy’s cues. “Are.. _you_ guys.. uh?” 

He gestured with his arms a bit, pretending as if he didn’t know the answer.

“Nah, it was.. mostly mutual? I miss her but.. it’s been fine. She’s following h-her dream, I’m really happy for her. I don’t think we’d ever d-date again, it just didn’t work.”

Michael nodding, fingers moving to pick at the couch a bit.

“It’s.. i-it’s late. Don’t let me keep you u-up.” Jeremy kept his gaze turned away, Michael wasn’t sure if it was out of awkwardness or.. guilt? Regret? Something.

“Feeling weird,” Michael rubbed along the couch and he knew Jeremy understood the silent _‘can’t sleep’_ that came with it. “Should probably lay down though, hang on.”

Practically jumping off the couch Michael disappeared behind a door Jeremy could see across the living room, coming back with a pillow and a blanket, handing them off to Jeremy. It didn’t feel right to offer his bed up. Even if he knew sleeping next to Jeremy used to help him fall asleep in seconds.

There was a quiet ‘thanks’ before Michael was giving a short wave and heading back through the door.

* * *

_It was one of those nights._

_Michael’s stomach hurt from the broken sobs that had been muffled into Jeremy’s shoulder, his head was pounding. All he wanted was to sleep but it just didn’t come. He was curled up in his bed, listening as Jeremy padded around the room, cleaning up some of the discarded chip bags and tucking Michael’s bong back into its hiding place. The lights clicked off and since he had his eyes closed he could only really tell from the sound._

_They were fifteen, it was the summer before sophomore year._

_The bed dipped as Jeremy climbed in, he felt the weight pass over him and the bed rattled as he finally dropped down on the side closest to the wall. Hands were prying his own away from where he’d been gripping his arms, nails leaving indents. Jeremy’s fingers locked with his, holding him in place. They were facing each other, laying on their sides._

_This wasn’t right, Jeremy wasn’t supposed to be the one comforting him. He was Jeremy’s rock, he wasn’t supposed to be breaking down._

_“Micah, hey. Take a b-breath, yeah?” He felt a forehead bump against his own, Jeremy’s hair was soft. “We’re g-gonna be alright. We got each other.”_

_“I’m supposed.. I’m supposed to be strong for you.” He choked it out from between trembling lips. He could picture the frown crossing Jeremy’s face._

_“It’s okay. It’s a-alright.”_

_It wasn’t. How could it be?_

_Jeremy had just found out that he’d been self-harming for the last several months, for the whole time he’d been trying to help Jeremy_ stop. _How the fuck could it be okay._

_“W-We have each other. I promise, Micah. I’m here.”_

_“H-Hah, Heere,” Michael’s voice shook and his expression was still hurt, but there was an attempt._

_Jeremy let out a breathy laugh and.._

_He leaned forward, pressing their lips together. It was.. warm. It was comfortable, it felt like home._

Huh? 

That wasn’t right.

Michael sat up in bed, shaking his head. He’d had this dream before, well, memory but.. Jeremy didn’t kiss him. Jeremy had never kissed him in this dream before. His brows were drawn in tight, confused. Maybe he was just feeling pent up since he and Rich stopped doing whatever it was that they were doing but.. that stopped nearly a year ago. 

He was probably just craving a boyfriend, Valentine’s was coming up.

Yeah.

* * *

It was still dark the next time he woke up. There was a hand on his shoulder and he would have freaked out if it wasn’t so familiar. 

“Jer?” He rubbed at his eyes, scooting back so he could sit up, squinting at the blurry figure.

“S-Sorry, fuck. You can tell me t-to go away it’s just.. really hard to sleep. L-Like every time I hear a noise I’m w-worried, uh.” The words tumbled out quickly and he could make out Jeremy’s form now as he shook off sleep. The blanket was wrapped around his shoulders and he was honest to god _shaking_ despite the comfortable temperature. 

“C’mere, c’mere.” Despite everything Michael just opened up his arms, sticking one out for Jeremy to inevitably use as a pillow. He was practically on autopilot. It felt.. normal. The weight of Jeremy’s head on his arm, the thin fingers curling tightly into his shirt, the tickle of his hair under Michael’s nose. Except this time their chests were almost fully pressed together, there was no burden keeping Jeremy closed in on himself. And this time his hair smelled like Michael’s shampoo. Jeremy was.. thinner? He couldn’t be sure, there used to be a slight softness to him but now he felt boney. Maybe he’d just forgotten. His arm draped over his waist, he didn’t remember his hips being so.. pointy.

Michael had to admit, though, Jeremy made it easier to sleep.

* * *

“Y-You really don’t have to come, Micah. It’s y-your day off.”

“Dude, seriously. It’s fine. I kinda.. work freelance anyways so I can take whatever time off I want. Moms are paying rent for me so I don’t get too caught up in work, besides,” he slung his empty bag over his shoulder, grabbing his keys. “Money just came through so I can finally buy gas. I’m not making you walk.”

At least Jeremy didn’t read into the gesture, he barely drove, often walking with Rich because he didn’t see the point in paying so much for gas. Besides, his car had just been in the shop too. Ugh. Adult life.

“And.. I,” he started up again, spinning his keys a bit. “I don’t want to have to send you in alone. It’s gotta fucking suck, man.”

“Yeah, uh. Y-Yeah.”

* * *

They didn’t really talk on the drive. They didn’t talk about the night before, either. It didn’t seem like the right time.. but it probably never would. Instead of thinking too hard on it he just kept his eyes open for some parking. Instead he thought about Jeremy. Jeremy? Yeah.

His hair had been so soft, the scent of smoke washed out easily. The breath that hit Michael’s neck as they curled up was familiar in a comforting way. _That_ was why he was thinking about it so much, right? Yeah. He didn’t have any time to pine over straight boys, that’s why he’d shut any idea of it down so easily in their first 12 years of friendship. He couldn’t crack now, what, 14 years? 14 years in.

Despite his wandering thoughts he was able to spot a parking spot by the services center and pulled in before anyone else could get it. They were about a 7 minute walk from Jeremy’s.. old building. Each of them grabbed their backpacks and Michael slipped a few coins into the parking meter. Two backpacks were probably going to be enough, Michael had caught a glimpse of the building as they passed by and.. well. One backpack might be enough. He wouldn’t say it though, Jeremy’s face was creased in worry as he gripped the straps of his bag tightly.

“You d-don’t have to come in with me.”

“Jer.”

They were quiet after that, Michael let his mind go back to wandering as Jeremy spoke with someone outside who gave them the okay to head in. Parts of the lobby were untouched, it would have looked normal if there wasn’t a dusting of ash over half of it. The lounge attaching the hall to the next one was eerily empty for the time of day.

It could have been worse.

The stairs were mostly untouched, parts of the building were worse but they were higher up. Some things had collapsed partially but the place was wider than tall so there wasn’t too much above Jeremy’s room. Really, it was safe enough to make a trip in to check for belongings. At least it wasn’t totally empty, there was a bit of life with some cleanup people and other people looking through their own rooms. Not many people, not too many at once.. but it was better than being alone.

“It’s.. uh, th-this one.”

When Michael looked inside he had two thoughts. The first one being the fact that he lived alone, he had a single room, further convincing Michael that he had probably not been talking to people and isolating himself. The second thought was.. well he was just sad, the walls were tinged with ash, part of the far wall was.. gone. His desk.. his books. All he’d managed to grab in his dash was his laptop and some chargers and cords, one textbook, and minimal clothes. Now, as he dug through he managed to find a singed cardigan in the back of a damaged dresser. He held it close to his chest and it made Michael’s stomach roll. Maybe they’d been too hopeful.

In the interest of busying himself he turned to dig around himself. Desk drawers yielded a stray pencil or pen and he was able to find a metal water bottle. One corner was almost untouched and some dirty laundry survived, two shirts, a pair of jeans and a few assorted socks and boxers. Swallowing thickly he turned his attention back to Jeremy, watching as he approached his bed. Some sort of realization washed over him and he collapsed to his knees.

“I h-had.. all those, uh, polaroids.. from.. f-from like freshman year through graduation.”

Oh.

“Oh,” it was choked out and Michael slowly made his way to Jeremy’s side, crouching down. Freshman year, that meant.. That meant there were pictures of _him_ too, alongside everything else. Despite everything. “Hey, man. I still have all mine.. yeah? Next time I go home I’ll find them, alright?”

Jeremy was nodding but.. that didn’t fix everything. Though, it was all Michael could do.

“B-But.. also, uh,” there was hesitation in Jeremy’s voice but he pushed on anyways, “that.. th-that stuffed dog you g-got me.”

“You still have that?” Something in his tone must have been off because Jeremy’s flinched and a short panic coursed through Michael before he stuck out a hand to rest on his shoulder. “I.. I mean, uh. I’m sorry.”

* * *

_“Micah?” Jeremy’s nose scrunched in confusion as Michael forced a bag into his hand. “What’s this?”_

_“Uh.. well you said you haven’t been sleeping well.” He shifted on his feet, rubbing at his arm. “I just thought this might help.”_

_Jeremy shifted around the bag before pulling out a stuffed animal. It was a dog, light brown with big dark ears._

_“My mom helped me we like.. opened it and.. and put in this little scent thing so he smells like lavender.” Michael’s face heated up a bit and he gave a shrug. Middle school was hard, it was even harder to have a serious conversation. Sometimes Jeremy would wake up crying in the middle of a sleepover and Michael could sit there and hug him.. this was harder. He just wasn’t sure what the right words were._

_At least Jeremy didn’t expect any more words. He dropped the bag and held the stuffed dog up to his nose, inhaling. It really did smell like lavender. He held a hand up to his face, trying to hide his trembling lip before he stepped forward to catch Michael in a hug, the dog pressed in between them._

* * *

“I.. I’m really sorry, Jer. I think..” Michael swallowed thickly, slowly getting up from where he’d crouched. “I think we should head out. Alright?”

It was jarring, to see how Jeremy still held onto him. Could he say anything though? He still had the pictures, he had a bulbasaur build a bear from Jeremy sitting on his bed at home. He didn’t feel as weird about it knowing that Jeremy wasn’t too different. Maybe.. he had been waiting for this, for some reason to really reconnect. Maybe he missed it more than he thought.

“R-Right..do you,” he paused, swallowing and getting up off the ground, “do you think w-we could get lunch?”

“Yeah, Jer. Let’s just.. get out of here.”

The halls were quieter this time, all they heard was far off talking coming from down the hall. They didn’t stop to listen, to repeat things back to each other in a silly, hushed voice. It felt cold, almost colder inside than it was outside. Michael felt sick.

With their bags tossed in the backseat of his car Michael started it up, pulling out of the spot without waiting for it to heat up - they needed distance. Jeremy needed distance. His elbow rested on the car door and his chin rested on his hand. His forehead pressed against the glass, smushing his hair. His free hand reached over to pick at something on the door. There was a slightly worn down spot from where he’d scratched at it for almost two years.

“How do you feel about Burger King?” Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jeremy give a short nod. He took that as his cue and switched lanes so he could take the next right. He couldn’t help it where his voice shook a bit, he knew Jeremy wasn’t good under pressure. This was a train wreck waiting to happen. All he could do was try to help. “We can get some takeout tonight too. I can take you to the store too, if your dad’s gonna give you some money for clothes.”

“Thanks Micah.” It was soft, almost hesitant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos/comments appreciated <33


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i retconned some minor stuff in previous ch not too important. just know ive spent like 3hrs researching the uni and town and majors so i can do some realism :/

It didn’t feel right.

Jeremy didn’t always follow Judaism the same as he had - not only had he grown skeptical of religion around the age of 14 (confiding how guilty he felt in Michael), he also felt weird doing it with his mom gone. Some small things stuck though, he always ordered a hamburger instead of a cheese burger and always veggie pizza instead of pepperoni, mainly out of habit. He didn’t always look out for meat and dairy combinations but he never drank milk with any meat, besides burgers and pizza he never tried too hard to stick to it on that level.

So why did he order a Burger King cheese burger?

“Michael?” 

He jerked his head up, meeting Jeremy’s eyes. He’d gotten distracted, again. It seemed that was Jeremy’s new effect on him. Before Jeremy could question him he opened his mouth, beating him to it, “cheese?”

“O-Oh, yeah. I dunno. I thought I might try it? B-Being away from home.. I don’t know.” Instead of trying it Michael watched him take off the bottom bun and try to peel the cheese away from the patty, setting it on a napkin next to him. His hands shook. Michael felt guilty for that one. Jeremy had always been nervous but this almost seemed ridiculous.

“I dunno. I’m more a fan of chicken sandwiches than burgers.” Michael waved his hand as he spoke, searching for any semblance of normalcy. “Grilled chicken slaps, dude.”

He held out his sandwich, offering a bite. Jeremy politely declined.

* * *

Kohl’s, of course, they were bound to end up at Kohl’s. Jeremy said that not only did his dad have Kohl’s cash, he told him that he’d pay off his credit card for him to get some clothes with it. This time he didn’t argue when Michael drove him, the only other option being some sort of rideshare. Besides, he valued Michael’s opinion. Despite everything. It really was like before.

* * *

_ “Is this w-weird?” Jeremy smoothed out the shirt before looking up at Michael. Safety in numbers. For their first big boy shopping trip Michael’s moms brought them out, Jeremy’s dad had sent money with him. They stopped at Kohl’s and here they were crammed into a changing room together. It was their last week of summer before eighth grade. _

_ “Nah, I think it’s cool.” Michael reached out to pull down Jeremy’s shirt, helping to straighten it out. It was simple, stripey. Stripes just seemed to be his thing. Michael’s was weird graphic tees. They also each had their own stack of basketball shorts and a pair or two of jeans.  _

_ “Alright,” Jeremy breathed out, looking at himself in the mirror for a second. It was okay but.. he still felt a little too exposed. He dug through the pile they’d dragged in and had yet to try on, finding a cardigan he’d focused in on. It was a small from the men’s section and he still fit into kids clothes. It hung off him awkwardly but when he put it on he felt safer. _

_ In the end he got it. _

* * *

“They don’t s-sell it anymore, there’s no way Micah.”

The same cardigan got him through high school - it wasn’t  _ the  _ cardigan. The blue cardigan he mostly wore was one he got with his dad freshman year. The one he got with Michael was a weird green color, too weird to wear to school. Often he’d wear it to bed, he wore it for St. Patrick’s day, even if he didn’t really care enough about the actual holiday. By the time he graduated the ends of the sleeves were fraying and some parts were nearly threadbare. Now it was gone. Burnt. Jeremy cringed a bit at that.

“Well.. we, uh,” Michael seemed to fumbled for words. He used to always know exactly what to say and here he was, lost. “We can find you a new one. Like it.”

Jeremy nodded, putting on a tight lipped smile. There was nothing that would be quite like it. It had been more than a green cardigan. Though, he’d already lost so much he was fine pretending to make Michael happy. He had practice, after all. Make Michael worried, panic, spiral, pretend to be okay, stop making Michael worry. He didn’t deserve the worry. Not anymore. Maybe not ever.

Tightening his grip on the cart he shook his head, pushing to catch up to where Michael had paused in front of a rack, flipping through clothes. They’d manage to pick up some shirts as well as some packs of socks and boxers. There was one pair of jeans and two pairs of sweatpants. More would come as he realized he needed it. Shorts could wait for spring.

“Look at this one.” Michael pulled a hanger off the rack and held it up. An olive green cardigan. The knit was different, it almost looked chunkier. The shade was different too, it was almost closer to brown. But Michael’s eyes were pleading and Jeremy felt his hands begin to shake.

“It’s great.” Jeremy bit the inside of his cheek and reached out to grab it. It.. kind of was great. It was soft.. it felt warm. And Michael had found it.

* * *

“Usually I’d like to try cooking something but we should order something. Maybe not takeout. Not in the mood for more burgers, either.” They were driving home. Well.. They were driving to  _ Michael’s _ place. Jeremy started picking at the car door. “We could do a pizza. I’m ready to just settle in for the night.”

So was Jeremy.

“Uh.. y-yeah. Sure.” He tried to swallow the knot in his throat. Michael was offering, it would be rude to decline. He was fine just getting back and crawling into bed. Maybe having a glass of water first.

“Cheese and olives?” 

Jeremy nodded.

“Cool, we can order it after we get back.” If Jeremy didn’t know Michael as well as he did everything would seem normal. But he knew that look, he could tell that his grip on the steering wheel was just a bit too tight. He knew something was off. He just didn’t know what. “Then I can walk and pick it up, there’s like a place like two blocks away. I don’t know if you’ve ever gone like downtown, it’s uh, Nicky’s pizza.”

All Jeremy could manage was a shake of his head.

If he didn’t know better Jeremy would think his mouth was glued shut. If he thought talking was hard after he lost the squip then it was basically impossible now. And nothing even  _ happened.  _ Well, now he’d escaped a fire but, if anything shouldn’t that make him more relatable - at least to Rich and Jake. It wasn’t just that, though. Even two nights ago he felt the same as he did now. He had for nearly a year. For a while everything was bearable without the squip, just hard. It just.. got worse, though. Relationships fell through. He and Christine broke up for many reasons, some he still wasn’t sure of. Before Michael the first person he’d talked to besides Christine in nearly two weeks was Rich. He beat himself up for days after that, for bothering Rich.

He missed Michael.

And he felt guilty for it.

“Jer?” Michael looked at him out of the corner of his eye. “Stay with me, yeah? Rich gets that sometimes.. where he just gets a little lost in there.”

The unspoken  _ ‘maybe it’s a loss of a squip thing’  _ wasn’t lost on Jeremy. He had to agree. 

“Yeah.” Worrying his lip between his teeth he stopped picking at the door and sat up a bit. “Just.. f-feels weird. So much is h-happening.”

Michael was quiet, waiting. He knew Jeremy would have more to say before he even knew it himself.

“I feel.. b-bad. Weird. G-Gross? I miss you, uh, missed y-you I guess. We’re here n-now.” A hand moved to pick at his seatbelt instead, scratching at fraying threads. “I feel.. guilty f-for missing you. Like I’m not al-allowed to.”

These were things he hadn’t even let himself think over on his own. That was a testament to how much he missed Michael, he supposed. Put them together and suddenly the words would find their way out.

“Hm. Yeah.” Michael’s voice was soft and he stayed focused on the road, switching lanes. “You’re allowed to, though.”

“But I was an.. an a-asshole.” Fingers curled into fists and he could hear that voice in his head, rumbling in the background,  _ ‘spit it out’. _

“In a way we all were.” Michael shrugged, like it was  _ easy.  _ “Like.. you were. Rich was too. So was I.”

“I h-hate that I made you feel th-that way.” His voice broke halfway through. Michael knew what he was talking about. After Halloween he’d picked up an old habit. A bad habit. It lasted until college. Sometimes it would rear its head still. Michael just kept that to himself. “And a-after.. I didn’t.. I didn’t f-f-fix it.”

“I know.” Michael said it so matter of factly that angry tears threatened to build up in Jeremy’s eyes.

“Aren’t you mad at me?” For once he didn’t stutter, angry as he spat it out. Immediately he flinched, bringing his knees up to his chest as he all but shut down.

“Jer.” Michael sighed, softly. He reached and arm out to brush his shoulder. “Jer.”

The car slowed and they pulled into the parking spot at Michael’s complex. He bit his cheek, not ready to go inside.

“Jeremy.” He turned his head away, not wanting Michael to see the beginnings of tears in his eyes. “I am.. mad, okay? I was, am, I don’t know. High school sucked. But.. it wasn’t just because of you. And I.. I don’t think you could have fixed it. But.. we’re here now. You’re here and you just went through some shit. I had my time to process, we had our time apart. I didn’t realize how much I.. missed you. And now you’re here. So let’s just.. think about that. We’ve got each other again. Not the same but.. almost.”

Turning off the car Michael leaned over the center console and wrapped an arm around Jeremy’s shoulders, pulling him into a tight side hug. 

Jeremy was crying. Again.

* * *

“Cheese and olive?”

“Ch-Cheese and olive.” Jeremy looked up from where he was on the couch, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. His smile was tense but it was a smile. 

Was Michael still hurt? Kind of. Mad? Not really. More than anything something overwhelming washed over him on the car ride home. He’d always thought the idea of soulmates in any sense was dumb, people were just people. But Jeremy was here. Despite everything they were together. Maybe they  _ were  _ made for each other in some capacity.

Rich was great.. but he wasn’t Jeremy.

Jeremy who chipped a tooth trying to keep up with Michael at the roller rink in 7th grade.

Jeremy who cried out of  _ joy  _ when Michael started testosterone freshman year.

Jeremy who strung together rainbow friendship bracelets when Michael told him he thought he was gay when they were 15.

Jeremy who went with Michael to summer camp in eighth grade so he could room with someone safe, even if he was scared to be away from home.

Jeremy who looked so sad, so scared, yet so  _ beautiful _ sat on his couch-

“I should be back in 20 or less. I’ll just be across the street down the block but we’ll see how long it takes to make.” He shrugged on a coat, draping a scarf over his shoulders before heading out the door. There was something comforting knowing that he wasn’t going to come home to an empty apartment.

* * *

Jeremy was.. maybe panicking. Every time he tried to still his bouncing leg he just started up with the opposite one. A shudder passed through him, shaking his shoulders. He was cold yet the blanket felt suffocating. It smelled like Michael.

That was the problem.

And no, he wasn’t going to address it.

The first thing he needed to address was coming out to Michael - again. Well, he didn’t have to but it felt wrong to keep it hidden. He was itching to tell someone and while he could easily tell Rich or Christine or his dad.. it didn’t feel right. Telling parents always felt weird. He felt like Rich was iffy on him, he had grown very protective of Michael. And.. Christine.. they just hadn’t spoken in a few weeks now. Ever since they broke up it had just been weird. It never felt good to realize something just didn’t work. They blame themselves, they ask what they did wrong. They didn’t do anything wrong. 

_ ‘You did.’ _

He did.

Didn’t he always?

* * *

_ Eighth grade. Jeremy Heere messed up. Michael sat on the opposite end of his bed. They mirrored each other, rubbing at their arms. They were too similar sometimes. Sometimes they weren’t similar enough. He bit his tongue, nothing he could say would be enough. But he had to try. _

_ “Micah.. I’m s-sorry.” It was soft, barely heard over the drone of his stereo. It played their playlist, a CD Michael made for his birthday. “It’s just.. I d-don’t know. I wasn’t thinking.” _

_ “You weren’t.” _

_ It shouldn’t have been weird, they hugged all the time. Cuddled all the time. This time Jeremy flinched,  _ ‘dude I’m not gay.’  _ Michael was flustered, claiming he wasn’t either. Neither of them had any idea what this would come to mean. _

_ He was just scared. Scared of boys at school who called them names down the hall. _

_ Their next sleepover Jeremy crawled into Michael’s bed and burrowed up into his arms, apologizing. _

_ The day after Jeremy’s 16th birthday. They did a walk in for tattoos. Michael had spent a week working on forging written consent notes from their parents. They had wanted matching tattoos for at least a year. Why not now? _

_ “I’m.. s-sorry.” Jeremy walked briskly to keep pace with Michael who now managed to be a whole four inches taller than him, it seemed to happen at once, since when was he the shorter one? He didn’t seem mad, just disappointed. _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ Michael had a Pac-Man tattoo now on his thigh, at least Jeremy had talked him out of doing it on his arm. The last thing they needed was for his moms to freak out. Jeremy was supposed to have a matching one but as soon as the needle made its first prick in Michael’s skin he backed out. _

_ Jeremy spent a week sketching out an idea for matching Apocalypse of the Damned tattoos. _

_ “N-Next time. I promise.” _

_ Michael gave him a hesitant smile. _

_ Junior year. Halloween. _

_ He messed up. _

_ Junior year. Some time in December.  _

_ He didn’t know how to fix it. _

_ Junior year. Prom. _

_ He messed up. He and Michael weren’t friends. He expected too much. _

_ He couldn’t find the right apology. _

_ Senior year. Graduation.  _

_ This time it was someone else, it was a byproduct of being close to him. _

_ “I’m s-sorry. I.. don’t know.” He rubbed at the back of his neck. _

_ “It’s okay, Jer. I wouldn’t have asked you to commit to long distance anyways.” Her smile was shaky. He saw Michael’s smile in her. _

_ “You were too good f-for me. I’m.. r-really sorry.” _

_ “Don’t be so hard on yourself all the time.” She wrapped him in a hug, he bit back tears. “Not everything’s your fault.” _

_ Wasn’t it? _

* * *

“Jer?” Had twenty minutes really passed? When his eyes refocused he saw a pizza box on the table. Michael was crouching down in front of him, cheeks red, coat and scarf still on. There was some snow in his hair. It was snowing? “Jer? Hey.”

It felt like he was moving his mouth but he couldn’t get anything out. His brows furrowed and his face scrunched up. His face felt wet. He wondered how long he’d been crying. 

Arms wrapped around his shoulders, holding him tightly while his own arms hung limp at his sides. He let his head go limp, too, dropping until his forehead bumped against Michael’s shoulder. His coat was cold, wet with snow.. it felt good against his forehead.

This was normal, this  _ became  _ normal. Nights in his dorm. He’d shut the lights off and sit at his desk, unmoving for an hour. Sometimes more. But now Michael was there. He wasn’t sure if that was better or worse.

* * *

_ Jeremy Heere was 18. He graduated high school. The halls were nearly empty, everyone was leaving to have lunch with their parents. His dad was waiting in the car. There was some fake excuse, he had to run to the bathroom. Instead he stood staring at the wall full of college commitments. He looked at his own picture.  _ **_Jeremiah Heere._ ** _ It was strange to look at, his mom was really the only person to call him that.  _ **_Psychology. Drew University._ ** _ Close to home but far enough to want to live there, a different town, at least, more than one over. _

_ Instead of thinking on it too long he let his gaze wander.  _ **_Michael Mell._ ** _ He’d fought hard for that name, Jeremy knew that all too well. Despite everything it made him happy to see it.  _ **_Computer Science. Drew University._ ** _ He still couldn’t believe Michael was still going to the same college as him. He almost expected him to switch out of spite. Even more surprising..  _ **_Richard Goranski. Undecided. Drew University._ ** _ He’d been working a lot, Michael’s moms were helping him find out loans.. so he’d heard. Jeremy felt a strange sense of pride there too, seeing Rich break out of what everyone thought he’d become.  _

**_Christine Canigula. Drama. The Juilliard School._ ** _ Why was he proud of everyone but himself?  _ ‘Because they’re doing something amazing.’  _ What was he doing? Michael was already good at coding, he’d made a game to ask Rich to senior prom (as friends this time). Rich already had a full-time job for the summer. Christine made it to fucking Juilliard. What did he have? A returning stutter? Forehead acne? Shaky hands? A loss of purpose? A tendency to isolate? To cut people off?  _

_ One of the smaller voices in his head tried to butt in. _

_ He had psychology. He was going to help people. People like him. _

_ At least he’d  _ try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> appreciate ur kudos and comments <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen im learning french might as well use it

**richie rich (6:33 pm):** mikeyyyy? hey uve been a little mia  
**richie rich (6:33 pm):** has everything been ok  
**mikey mike (6:41 pm):** yeah sorry ugh i didnt mean to dip out on u  
**mikey mike (6:42 pm):** im kinda worried about jer  
**richie rich (6:43 pm):** hows living with him  
**richie rich (6:43 pm):** jerry  
**richie rich (6:43 pm):** jerebear  
**mikey mike (6:43 pm):** i feel like a spy  
**richie rich (6:43 pm):** jeremiah  
**mikey mike (6:44 pm):** i dont think im allowed to have someone else live here  
**mikey mike (6:45 pm):** oh well  
**richie rich (6:47 pm):** omfg  
**richie rich (6:47 pm):** how is he tho  
**mikey mike (6:48 pm):** uh well

* * *

Looking up from his phone Michael let his gaze flit over to Jeremy. He was sitting on the living room floor, a book layed out in front of him, as well as a notebook. Over the week he’d been staying with Michael the coffee table became his makeshift desk. He was working on french, copying down some vocab lists he’d lost. His stats book was long abandoned on the ground where it’d stay until the next night when Michael promised he’d help Jeremy with his homework. After the squip things.. changed. Michael and Jeremy had always been on similar levels until junior year. Michael started pursuing ap classes and Jeremy had to switch out of an ap class after losing the squip. For the rest of high school he felt a little lost, having missed out on actually doing any work for the first half of junior year. In the end Michael tested out of stats with an ap test score. Jeremy didn’t.

It used to make Michael feel good, to be ahead, to have something for himself. Now seeing the ripple effect of lost time.. it made him feel bad. So every other night they’d sit down and Michael would walk through some work with him. 

At least he was able to feel good watching Jeremy sit down and knock out psychology homework like it was nothing. 

“How’s french?” Michael set his phone on his stomach, they were on opposite ends of the couch. They had their moments of normalcy but it was still strange sometimes. For now they gave each other space when they could and tiptoed through some conversations.

“I wish I could have j-just finished in high school.” There was a groan and he leaned forward, pressing his head against the notebook. Another ripple from losing the squip. After not retaining a whole semester he just backed out of french, setting him back. Michael almost wished he could have gotten him to take spanish, his ‘need to help’ gene was kicking into overdrive these days. “You’re l-lucky.”

There wasn’t any resentment there, just a shaky grin as Jeremy lifted his head and turned to look at him.

“Should’ve just grown up bilingual, man.” Michael shrugged, waving his hand. He wasn’t able to keep back a quiet snort of a laugh, though.

“Thought you were like.. almost trilingual?”

The absence of his stutter wasn’t lost on Michael.

“Eh.” Michael wiggled his hand a bit, giving another shrug. “I try. I’m just kind of out of practice with it. I’d only claim to be fluent in english and spanish but I could hold a basic conversation, I guess.”

With that he rose off the couch, stepping on it to climb around Jeremy’s back. Muscle memory came back to bite him and he lightly tapped Jeremy’s head as he passed him, headed towards the kitchen. He felt his cheeks heat up and just tried to breeze past it, “hey, I’m gonna start some dinner. I was thinking just some quesadillas because I’m lazy.”

If he’d looked back he would have seen Jeremy smiling too.

“I’m not the one c-cooking. I’ll eat whatever, I’m just glad y-you’re willing.”

“Of course, man.”

The fondness in his tone wasn’t lost on Jeremy.

* * *

**mikey mike (6:52 pm):** im just worried i guess  
**mikey mike (6:52 pm):** hes tiny like tinier than before  
**mikey mike (6:53 pm):** hes like extra nervous too super jumpy  
**mikey mike (6:53 pm):** like if the microwave beeps  
**mikey mike (6:54 pm):** i guess hes helping me eat less microwave taquitos at 2am  
**richie rich (6:56 pm):** damn u really are worried  
**richie rich (6:56 pm):** yea i still have truoble w shit too ptsd  
**mikey mike (6:57 pm):** truoble  
**richie rich (6:57 pm):** bitch  
**mikey mike (6:58 pm):** its weird  
**richie rich (7:02 pm):** that u still care?  
**mikey mike (7:02 pm):** yes n no like we were alwways so close so  
**mikey mike (7:02 pm):** i guess it makes sense like two years ago i  
**richie rich (7:03 pm):** u thought ud never forgive him  
**mikey mike (7:03 pm):** yeah but  
**mikey mike (7:03 pm):** we were 16/17  
**mikey mike (7:04 pm):** it had only been like a year since his mom left  
**mikey mike (7:04 pm):** he felt like he lost everything  
**mikey mike (7:04 pm):** we needed that break but now i just cant make myself be mad  
**mikey mike (7:05 pm):** we were like still kids of course he fucked up  
**mikey mike (7:06 pm):** but he needed like therapy  
**mikey mike (7:06 pm):** and a friend  
**richie rich (7:08 pm):** you can give him a friend now  
**mikey mike (7:08 pm):** yea  
**mikey mike (7:08 pm):** ilu richie txt u laterr

* * *

“Quesadilla, sir?” Michael set a plate to Jeremy’s left before circling around to sit on the ground to Jeremy’s right. He’d spent so much time eating with Rich, somehow always ending up on his right, he was used to bumping elbows and pretending to fight over it. He and Jeremy picked up both their forks with their left hands. Why was something so dumb making him emotional? “If you want sour cream let me know.”

Michael had already spread some over his own quesadilla and the tub sat open in front of his plate.

“‘m fine. Thanks, Micah.” He pushed his notebook out of the way so he could shift the plate over, poking at his quesadilla. After a beat he turned his head, it was tilted down as it often was, but he looked up at Michael through his lashes - sheepish? His hair flopped over his face, curls more prominent by leaving his hair alone to air dry earlier. “R-Really, thanks.”

* * *

“Dude. No way.” Jeremy groaned, dropping his head so his forehead settled on his knees where his legs were pulled up to his chest. He was wearing Michael’s pajama pants, the string was pulled extra tight and kept in a bow to hold them up. Michael’s hoodie hung off his frame, sporting a new patch around the bottom hem, a heart filled in with the trans flag. Jeremy ordered it as a thank you. Now he wore the hoodie because he was _freezing_ and Michael was _sweating,_ refusing to turn up the heat again. This was their compromise. “H-How did you learn this shit in high school?”

All he got in return was a shrug as Michael as he took a bite from a pop-tart. Jeremy had politely declined. Jeremy _always_ politely declined.

“You just gotta pass, alright? We can do that. You can do that.” Michael had his own laptop next to Jeremy’s tapping away on his own work whenever Jeremy was attempting to find an answer with the latest advice from Michael. Knowing Michael was already in a few 200 level courses made him almost frustrated - with himself. He tried to remind himself that he wasn’t behind, he even managed to get into his own low 200s course. He couldn’t let himself think about it too hard but they had shared their fall plans and seeing Michael was already going to get into a 390 class while he was only able to manage a 304 class. He had to keep telling himself they were in different tracks, on different paths. Not everything was comparable. 

“Right.” He brushed his hair from his face. He needed a haircut, the bangs he brushed over were nearly long enough to tuck behind his ear. 

“Okay, so, they’re teaching you to find confidence intervals with normal distribution, right?” That sentence alone was enough to make Jeremy want to shut down. Mathematical jargon didn’t quite fit in his mouth. He bit his tongue and nodded. “I was going to go with that but I’m going to show you how to do it with t-distribution, a different method might help you.”

After an hour Jeremy had completed over half his homework - and he still had three days to do it. Honestly it was a personal best and even if he still felt shaky on the concepts Michael’s smile was enough to boost _his_ confidence a bit, intervals be damned. As a reward Michael let him flop onto the ground, putting his head in his lap. Maybe things weren’t perfect but.. Michael’s fingers ran through his hair, soothing the ache that seemed to be ever-present in his head. Some things never quit feeling natural. 

* * *

“I hate oral exams!” Jeremy was sat at Michael’s desk, laptop in front of him. He’d been promoted for the day so he could have a closed room to record himself in. “I should have finished th-this in high school.”

“Dude, don’t worry. You’ll be fine.” Michael smiled, patting his shoulder before giving a light push. The chair Jeremy sat in spun a little and he couldn’t help but breathe out a laugh. Michael had a way of making things better. 

A few minutes after he left Michael could hear Jeremy’s voice muffled through the door, only slightly shaky.

“Uh.. b-bonjour! Je m’appelle Jeremy et pour question une.. Um, donc.. quand j'étais au lycée.. je..j’avais quinze ans. Maintenant j’ai dix-neuf ans. J’habitais avec mon père. Maintenant j’habite avec mon ami, Michael. Je n’aimais pas.. uh, beaucoup l’école.. mais j’aime l’université maintenant..”

As he eased into it Michael could hear his stutter start to fade a bit.

“P-Pour question deux. Hier midi quand j’ai quitté l’appartement..il, uh, il pleuvait. Il était midi et demi quand je suis arrivé au restaurant. Mes amis et moi.. on n’avait pas très faim, uh, et.. on n’a pas mangé tout de suite. Mais.. le repas était délicieux!”

Michael’s attention slowly faded. Some things were easy enough to understand but he got lost too easily so he scrolled through satisfying videos on snapchat. There was cracking clay just begging to be listened to.

“U-Uh, question trois! Um, sur la photo.. uh, la baby-sitter Sophie embrassait son copain quand ils sont rentrés. Brigitte parlait au téléphone quand ils sont rentrés. Um. Le chat mangeait quelque chose sur la table quand ils sont rentrés..”

* * *

**mikey mike (10:11 am):** okay i need ur opinion  
**richie rich (10:13 am):** y are u up at 10 on a sunday  
**mikey mike (10:13 am):** why are you  
**richie rich (10:13 am):** hm  
**mikey mike (10:14 am):** okay OPINION  
**richie rich (10:16 am):** shoot  
**mikey mike (10:17 am):** is it weird that jer and i share a bed  
**richie rich (10:17 am):** wait  
**richie rich (10:18 am):** are u saying uve been sharing a bed w jer for like two weeks  
**mikey mike (10:19 am):** i only have one bed! hes a nervous wreck im not gonna make him sleep alone in the living room  
**richie rich (10:20 am):**<https://fanlore.org/wiki/Bed_Sharing>[  
](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Bed_Sharing)**richie rich (10:21 am):**<https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BeautifulDreamer>[ **  
** ](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BeautifulDreamer)**mikey mike (10:22 am):** hey  
**richie rich (10:23 am):**<https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ChildhoodFriendRomance>[  
](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ChildhoodFriendRomance)**richie rich (10:24 am):** Often the pair will see each other as Just Friends (and may even deny accusations that they might have a different type of relationship); then, when puberty hits or when they meet again after being apart for some time, they will realize that the other is all grown up.  
**mikey mike (10:25 am):** PLEASE tell me WHY u had that ready on hand  
**richie rich (10:25 am):**<https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AbsenceMakesTheHeartGoYonder>[  
](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AbsenceMakesTheHeartGoYonder)**richie rich (10:25 am):** ive had them saved since he showed up at ur place dont worry abt it  
**mikey mike (10:27 am):** jer is str8 we r friends  
**richie rich (10:29 am):**<https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IfItsYouItsOkay>[  
](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IfItsYouItsOkay)**richie rich (10:29 am):**<https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ExperimentedInCollege>[  
](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ExperimentedInCollege)**richie rich (10:30 am):**<https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/LGBTAwakening>[  
](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/LGBTAwakening)**richie rich (10:31 am):**<https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AmbiguouslyBi>[  
](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AmbiguouslyBi)**mikey mike (10:32 am):** if u were anyone else id be pissed  
**mikey mike (10:32 am):** is it obvious?  
**richie rich (10:33 am):** FGHDHFGSAFDS WAIT  
**richie rich (10:33 am):** wait wait wait you actually like him dont you  
**mikey mike (10:34 am):** i regret this greatly  
**richie rich (10:35 am):** i did it i got the trope  
**richie rich (10:35 am):** spend some time apart and it all becomes clear  
**mikey mike (10:35 am):** ugh  
**mikey mike (10:36 am):** this sucks  
**richie rich (10:36 am):** has he ever said he was straight  
**mikey mike (10:37 am):** he doesnt have to  
**mikey mike (10:37 am):** text u later he made breakfast  
**richie rich (10:38 am):** omg

* * *

“You didn’t have to do this, Jer.” Even after he brushed his teeth Michael’s words were heavy with sleep. He leaned on the counter next to the stove, watching as Jeremy slid some eggs out of the pan and onto a plate. He turned the burner off and made his way towards the sink.

“Watch out,” he mumbled, a hand brushing the small of Michael’s back as he moved to run some cold water over the pan. It was fun to see all the steam. After a moment he shrugged, casting a glance to Michael.. he looked tired. Michael’s sweatpants hung loosely around his waist. He was still wearing his hoodie, the sleeves pushed up, bunching up around his elbows. “I..It’s fine, you’re letting m-me stay here. It’s the least I c-could d-d-do.”

A smile crossed his lips, his eyes lit up just a bit more. 

Who would have thought that now, at age 19, Michael Mell would realize that he had a thing for Jeremy Heere?

Evidently Rich did but.. that was besides the point.

* * *

“Hey.” Michael’s plate was empty, Jeremy’s had maybe two bites left, but they were pushed towards the center of the table, abandoned in favor of the boys crawling up onto the couch. Michael had something due at midnight but he didn’t want to think about it yet, he just wanted a lazy sunday. Jeremy’s legs stretched out across his lap and he felt okay, he felt like everything was going to be okay. Jeremy speaking got his attention - it always did. “I uh.. can I a-ask something?”

Michael’s chest felt tight, suddenly everything escaped his mind. All he could do was nod, those words were just the easiest way to instill fear in anyone.

“H-How.. did you know you were gay?”

Oh.

Nothing to be scared of.

“Uh, man. I don’t know? I just think it’s one of those things.” Michael absentmindedly ran his fingers against Jeremy’s shin. “I didn’t think girls were cute? I couldn’t stop looking at boys.. maybe? The girls were all talking about kissing boys and I.. dude I _felt_ that, hah.”

“Hm.” Jeremy’s brow furrowed and he leaned back, letting his head rest on the back of the couch.

“It was hard. I mean, you know? I was coming to terms with.. not being a girl. Which, you know, it’s a weird thing. Realizing. It was hard to then realize I wasn’t into girls like other boys but.. I had my moms to help, at least. That made it easier to realize I was allowed to like boys.”

“The s-squip didn’t let me.” Jeremy turned his head a bit, shifting to also turn his body so that he was sitting next to Michael, pulling his legs out of his lap. His shoulders were rigid, arms wrapped around himself.

“Didn’t.. let you what?” Michael had a feeling he knew the answer but he wasn’t going to steal any of Jeremy’s process.

“Didn’t let me look at boys like th-that.” His fingers tightened their grip on his own arms. “Didn’t w-w-want me to talk to you because you looked at boys like _that_ and.. I’m sorry. I’m so f-fucking sorry. It was unfair and h-horrible and it was the last thing you deserved.”

Michael kept his mouth shut, waiting.

“And a-after I just.. didn’t know what to do. It was s-stupid but I thought we could just be normal. And that.. that was unfair too. I don’t blame you for prom.. for n-not talking to me. But I missed you s-so fucking much and I didn’t realize until it was too late.” He swallowed thickly, one hand reached up to rub at his face with the sleeve of Michael’s hoodie. He looked so small wearing it. “B-But you’re so good, man. You’re l-letting me stay here, after everything and I don’t even know what I’m s-saying! You didn’t d-deserve anything.. anything that happened.”

Michael shifted closer, after a beat of hesitation he put an arm around Jeremy’s shoulders.

“You’re s-so strong, you’ve always b-been. I was jealous that y-you were out, that you went to prom with Rich. Like.. I l-liked Christine a lot and I w-wanted to be there.. with.. with her. But I also th-th-thought I didn’t have another option. Even if I w-wouldn’t choose it. I felt like I _couldn’t_ even if I wanted to.” He lowered his hand from his face and let his shoulders slump, leaning up against Michael’s side. “Even after l-leaving and even after b-br-breaking up with Christine I still felt like I c-couldn’t, uh..”

Michael squeezed him a bit closer, turning his head to press his forehead to the side of Jeremy’s head. He hoped the closeness calmed him the same way it did when they were kids.

“I’m bi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated <3


	5. Chapter 5

“Oh, Jer. That’s great.” Michael’s shoulders relaxed, partially because he was glad nothing was really wrong. But they also slumped, knowing that Jeremy _was_ attracted to boys that would never be him just hurt. it almost scared him that it hurt as much as it did. He surprised himself with that one. “I’m glad you could tell me.”

“Me too.” His hands seemed to shake less now, though they rubbed anxiously over his knees. “I’ll, uh.. cl-clean up.”

He slipped out from under Michael’s arm and leaned over to grab the plates, clearing the last of his into the trash before rinsing them under the tap. Michael couldn’t help but wonder how much food trash sat in his trash can from Jeremy - not that he was mad! Jeremy wasn’t purposefully wasteful. If anything it just worried him. He knew they’d both changed but there was something that was just a little off. While he could almost place it he just didn’t want his assumptions to be confirmed true so he kept his mouth shut.

* * *

“I.. g-got a B.” Jeremy locked his phone, tucking it into his pocket. He worried his lips between his teeth, moving to brush his hair from his face. Finally, he’d gotten a haircut and now it was too _short_ to tuck behind his ear, meaning as he kept his head tilted down it just fell back across his forehead. 

Michael looked up from where he was rising off dishes and loading them into the dishwasher. Saturdays were quiet. No rushing to hit any sunday deadlines. Michael picked up less work - he did odd jobs fixing computers, tutoring, and occasional minor coding things. He wasn’t really struggling for money, his moms were generous, but he tried to learn some adulthood responsibilities. For now Jeremy was his biggest responsibility - well, aside from school.

Even nearly two months later he still tensed up when a timer went off.

“That’s good!” They’d studied for that exam for _hours_ before Michael dropped him off at the lecture hall it was at. It was the small actions. When he picked him up when he had finished they got some celebratory burritos, trying to keep him from dwelling on the exam too much. It wasn’t like he could change anything now.

It had been nearly a month and half since his realization and it just got worse. He’d do anything to see that boy smile.

When Jeremy didn’t answer Michael stopped the water, closing the dishwasher’s door before taking a few steps towards the living room until he could see him, curled up on the couch. _Parks and Rec_ droned in the background but they both knew he wasn’t really watching it. The sight was unsettling or jarring at best and.. worrying at worst.

“Hey, Jer.” Michael made his way over, leaning over the back of the couch, waiting for him to meet his gaze, confirmation he was listening. “Come do something with me today?”

The weather was finally a bit nicer, spring break was creeping up and they still weren’t sure if they wanted to go home. Being away was nice, home always carried memories of high school. School was also stressful, Michael wanted time to work on his projects and Jeremy wanted to study. But.. for now the sun was out and it was perfect weather for a light jacket.

“I’ve been wanting to go check out Turtle Back Zoo, it’s like.. a 20 minute drive from here. If we leave now we’ll get there not even an hour past open.”

There must have been a splash of worry on his face because Jeremy rolled off the couch and started towards the bedroom, “yeah.. that sounds nice. I’ll g-get dressed.”

* * *

“I’ll give y-you some money later,” Jeremy mumbled as they made it through the gates. Michael waved him off, grabbing a map. He was fortunate to be where he was, he was fortunate that his moms made the money they did. He could cover a $14 zoo admission for his friend. His best friend?

“Dude, it’s fine, I promise. Look, where should we go first?” He opened up the map, holding it open in front of them. He was glad they’d woken up before noon for once because despite it only being 11 the sun was warm and the breeze was nice and they had the whole zoo laid out before them.

“Uh.. the r-reptile house is right to o-our right, I think it’s the cl-closest thing?” That was enough for Michael and he folded up the map, tucking it into the fanny pack he wore. Jeremy had groaned about it, claiming that Michael was embarrassing him but it also made him laugh. Besides, Michael had decided he was just weird enough to feel okay wearing it.

They followed the path to their right, heading right towards the reptiles.

Once they got inside Jeremy’s shoulders relaxed as he followed Michael, excitedly approaching each exhibit. They spent a fair amount of time in front of the komodo dragon as Michael read over the info panel, Jeremy just watched it, watched it look around.. watched its tongue flick out. Michael regurgitated what he read to him and he smiled. A real smile.

They bounced around between all the exhibits, not staying still for too long.

“Dude. I love frogs. Are you kidding me - a milk frog! That’s such a fucking hilarious name!” Jeremy winced as Michael cursed, nodding towards a group of kids that scurried past them, he looked sheepish at least. “And poison dart frogs.. dude they’re so cool. Remember when I did that project on them in fifth grade? The rainforest unit.”

He emphasized his words by waving his hands around. Jeremy remembered.

“Y-Yeah. I got th-the toucan. A little overrated.” 

When he watched Michael’s face scrunch up with a laugh he felt all his worries leave. His hands stilled a bit, even if the shakiness was practically ingrained in him. They finally exited the reptile house, heading down wherever the outside path took them. The way sunlit lit up Michael’s features.. illuminating the brown tones of his hair.. of his eyes.. it was great. Jeremy felt great.

“Dude! Lions!”

* * *

As they weaved around exhibits, backtracking and crossing around to try to catch everything in one loop, they paused at the otters. Michael was reading off more information as Jeremy found himself watching the animals again. Two otters floated lazily, swimming around each other.

“Hey.” Michael popped up next to him, leaning on the railing to follow his gaze. “Aw, shit. Look at ‘em! Did you know I read once that sea otters hold hands when they sleep. That way they don’t get separated, in the, well, sea. I’d pay to see that. River otters are cute and all but.. come on! Animals holding hands!” 

To enunciate his point he grabbed Jeremy’s hand, leaning on him dramatically, “don’t let me float away, Jer! We’re just two little sea otters out in this big ole world!”

As he pulled him towards the touch tank exhibit he still held onto his hand, Jeremy’s face lit up with a blush. Michael didn’t seem to notice, only letting go when they reached the exhibit so he could fish some money from his wallet. Jeremy tried not to think how empty his hand felt now.

* * *

“Okay.. stingrays feel weird as fuck.” Michael gestured with a french fry, curling his lip a bit, before shoving it in his mouth. Jeremy smiled as he poked at his fruit salad, his wrap sitting abandoned with at least two more bites left.

“The p-prairie dogs were cute th-though.” He pushed pieces of cantaloupe around with his fork. His other hand was balled up at his side, trying to remember how Michael’s had felt connected with it, his palm was sweaty.

“And the foxes! Oh my god.” With a grin Michael shook his head fondly, moving to finish what was left of his hotdog. “We have to come when mini golf is open, I’ll kick your ass. Shit. And their little dino playground I wanna climb around! Why aren’t things open earlier. Early March sucks.”

Jeremy breathed out a laugh and forced himself to eat another piece of fruit.

“We’re going on the carousel though. As soon as I finish these fries. Mark my words, Heere!”

The sun felt warm on Jeremy’s back, the breeze was made bearable by his new cardigan. He couldn’t help but to keep picturing Michael’s face when he’d come out wearing it before they left. Warm and smiling.. his eyes lit up. He’d exclaimed something happily and flung an arm around his shoulders. He could do this.

As long as he had Michael.

* * *

Michael climbed onto the alligator, another two dollars each for the carousel. Jeremy was trying not to keep track. So he hopped up on the wolf next to Michael, gripping onto the thing so he wouldn’t slip. As other people began to pick their spots Michael slipped his phone out of his fanny pack, reaching as much as he could to hold his phone out in front of them. He leaned in close to Jeremy, adjusting the framing before he took the picture.

When Michael showed him he was surprised - he wasn’t sure of the last time he looked happy in a picture, relaxed. There was still.. _something_ to him, something in the way his sleeves covered his hands that were balled up tightly but.. he still looked happy.

When the ride jolted to a start Michael practically squeaked, quickly tucking his phone away before he dropped it. In response Jeremy laughed - a real laugh. It slowly faded as the music picked up around them, animals springing to life as they spun, moving up and down. 

For once Jeremy’s chest felt tight in a good way. He watched Michael’s head tip back with laughter, eyes closed. Everything was so good but so _hard._ Of course when he finally let himself accept that he wasn’t straight it had to be over Michael. That was the unspoken part of his coming out - that Michael had really solidified it for him. It felt wrong and right all at once.

Wrong because he didn’t get it. Why hadn’t he liked Michael before? Was it bad to only like him now? Was it fake? Was he just tricking himself? It also felt wrong because Michael was doing so much good for him and it felt wrong to crawl into bed with him just hoping that he’d kiss him goodnight.

It also felt right though. It felt like they fit together, not only their bodies curled up on Michael’s bed every night. They also fit together in conversation. They’d talk for hours or sometimes they’d stay quiet, some part of their body touching as they just existed together. It felt right, like Jeremy had been gone and he was finally back, he was finally ready, and now he was able to look at Michael in just the right way. To see a boy he could love.

Could he love Michael?

Michael Mell who was sitting next to him on a plastic alligator. Who helped him with stats homework. Who listened to him prattle on about psychology. Who made him dinner. Who held him at night. Who was looking at him now with beautiful eyes behind chunky glasses and finally a braces-free smile and a forehead finally clear of acne. Michael Mell who grew into an adult, who knew his passions, who was so soft and kind.

If he didn’t already love him he would soon.

* * *

 **jeremy (9:33 am):** hey rich  
 **rich (9:45 am):** ugh y are u up so early   
**jeremy (9:45 am):** youre up too!  
 **rich (9:46 am):** :/ yea but thats bc i have work at 11  
 **rich (9:47 am):** u and mikey just have fun all weekend  
 **jeremy (9:47 am):** he does work!  
 **rich (9:48 am):** i knoooo   
**rich (9:48 am):** also let him kno im taking off next sat so we can all go to that movie  
 **jeremy (9:49 am):** alright!  
 **rich (9:55 am):** shit what did u need lmao  
 **jeremy (9:56 am):** oh! yeah  
 **jeremy (9:57 am):** weve just been hanging out and i dunno i kinda wanted to tell you im bi?  
 **jeremy (9:57 am):** im trying to get used to it so im telling who i feel comfortable telling  
 **rich (9:58 am):** hey man! congrats! im glad for u  
 **jeremy (10:22 am):** also im freaking out because i think im totally into michael and i have no idea who to tell  
 **jeremy (10:34 am):** please dont say anything to him

* * *

They decided to stay for spring break. Michael’s moms were coming up to visit wednesday and thursday and Jeremy’s dad was going to be there friday and saturday. Rich didn’t go home but he picked up extra hours, leaving Michael and Jeremy to their own devices for the most part. Sometimes Jeremy swore there was a new tension between them but any time he thought about it too hard Michael was back to normal. It was honestly driving him a bit crazy but at the end of the day they’d make dinner together, do laundry, act _disgustingly_ domestic and he’d just forget about everything else.

Hey,” Michael’s voice shook Jeremy from his thoughts - as it often did. “Wanna drive around some? I feel too cooped up.”

“Y-Yeah man.” Neither of them addressed the fact that it was nearly midnight. It wasn’t like they were sleeping any time soon.

“Okay because there’s a steak and shake like an hour away and I really want to do something fucking crazy. And drink a milkshake. I made a playlist. Don’t worry.”

Jeremy couldn’t worry - not with Michael looking at him like that, pleading, excited.. and a bit fond?

* * *

“I can’t believe you agreed to this.” Michael laughed as he plugged his phone in, scrolling through spotify while Jeremy pulled up maps on his own phone. He set his phone on the center console, the first thing to come through the speakers as he started his car was Marley and Jeremy almost laughed. Of course. He tried not to think about the fact that it was a love song too much. Michael just liked Marley.

“Yeah, yeah. J-Just head towards I-287 south.” He let his gaze drop to Michael’s still unlocked phone, he couldn’t help but look at the name of the playlist. “[Boyf riends](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6BOUYAGsfyKSCnIIRHmwOP?si=zwcB8OpUTa6F0O7oBuzw7w)?”

“What!” Michael couldn’t bite back his laugh as he turned to see Jeremy’s scrunched up face. “It’s the best combination of the music we like!”

“It’s been y-years since I th-thought about that, oh my god.” For a second panic flashed in Michael’s eyes, worried he’d gone too far but Jeremy was laughing, nearly doubling over.

By the time he was pulling onto I-287 Whitney was blaring on the speakers. Michael was trying to create some positive association with the song since Halloween. Now, seeing Jeremy basically thrash in his seat, some sort of bastardized dance.. it really helped with that plan. 

“- somebody who loves you!” Jeremy leaned over the center console, basically shouting and Michael broke into laughter to try and not focus on his face heating up.

The interstate was nearly empty, so as _Livin’ La Vida Loca_ started blaring, Michael whipped around to face Jeremy, shimmying his shoulders and rolling down the windows. Jeremy turned up the volume to compensate. 

“Lips are devil red!”

“- skin’s the color mocha!”

Michael gave a short jerk to the wheel, not swerving the car, but wiggling it enough to draw a laugh from Jeremy that sounded much more like some sort of squeal. _Brown Eyed Girl_ calmed them down a bit but Michael put on an weirdly scratchy voice to try and over-exaggerate Van Morrison’s. Jeremy chimed in for the _‘sha-la-la-la’s’_ leaning in towards Michael and tipping his head to look up at him through his lashes. His eyes weren’t brown but Michael could lose himself in them all the same.

As they breezed across the interstate they danced in their seats to Lizzo - how couldn’t they? It faded into Lorde and.. Jeremy couldn’t help but wonder if some of the songs were pointed. So far it was the only slower song, the others were so upbeat.. but it was something they’d listened to together before. Really Lorde’s albums were something comforting through high school. But.. choosing _Ribs_ felt pointed. Michael was singing, soft and warm. Jeremy bobbed his head to the background rhythm, he didn’t want to cover up Michael’s voice, he wanted to hear him.

_“We’re reeling through the midnight streets.”_

Jeremy looked up at the streetlights.

_“..feels so scary getting old.”_

It was.. somber but the way Michael’s voice lilted lent more comfort than sadness. It lent more healing than hurt. The song began to pick up and Jeremy felt as if he could cry.

_“I want ‘em back.”_

Jeremy mumbled the back up part, despite himself.

_“The minds we had.”_

His chest felt tight.

_“All the thoughts.. move around our heads.”_

As he mumbled the repeated lyrics along with Michael he glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. His face was soft, trained on the road ahead.

_“You’re the only friend I need.”_

While Michael sang it just a bit too _raw_ Jeremy knew it wasn’t true but, if he _wasn’t_ reading too far into it then it was more about the gesture. They knew their old codependency wasn’t plausible anymore. It was about the feeling, though.

_“Sharin’ beds like little kids.”_

They met eyes now, a hesitant smile tugged at Michael’s lips before he turned back towards the road.

_“Laughin’ ‘til our ribs get tough.”_

Jeremy couldn’t help but notice that Michael didn’t sing the last part.

_‘But that will never be enough.’_

Could he be enough?

The verse repeated again, Michael repeated it again. And again he fell off for the last lyric.

_‘That will never be enough.’_

Jeremy’s breath caught and before he could tear up The Beach Boys were playing and he couldn’t help but _laugh_ and Michael was putting on an exaggerated voice to sing _again_ and fuck-

_“Wouldn’t it be nice?”_

It would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always kudos and comments keep me goin on these daily/mostly daily updates <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope yall appreciate this bc im puttin off my homework to just write bc im inspired atm lmao
> 
> content warning; implied/referenced disordered eating. its not very intense but its there

They faded back into something more normal as ABBA came on, energy rushing back. It was nearing one and Jeremy was  _ not _ prepared for Michael to be belting along with The Turtles immediately after jamming to  _ Mamma Mia. _

_ “I can't see me lovin' nobody but you! For all my life!” _

Cyndi Lauper came on just in time to save him from getting too flustered - he silently thanked her to the tune of  _ Time After Time. _ Though.. The Flaming Lips brought him right back into that brick wall of emotion with  _ Do You Realize??  _ and Jeremy swore Michael _ had _ to be messing with him. They were less than 20 minutes away and Jeremy smiled as some alt rock came on, he hadn’t listened to The Regrettes in years and knowing that Michael remembered that he did listen to them at all warmed his chest. He stole the show as Cake followed, nearly yelling all the lyrics for  _ The Distance  _ despite not having heard it for almost two years - effectively drowning Michael out this time.

The Moldy Peaches caught him off guard though, it really seemed like the songs were placed carefully.

_ “You’re a part-time lover and a full-time friend.” _

They sung that one together, though they barely met each other’s gaze so they didn’t catch the blush on each other’s features.

_ “..Anyone else but you.” _

He couldn’t help but remember the time they watched  _ Juno  _ together freshman year.

The jarring beat to  _ Fifteen Minutes  _ was welcomed, his emotions were threatening to boil over again and Mike Krol’s voice was what he needed to stabilize him. It was the perfect transition to basically screaming  _ Mr. Brightside  _ as they finally took their exit off the interstate.

When they got to Steak ‘n Shake they sat in the parking lot while the last beats of  _ Stand by Me  _ faded out. Michael promised four more songs on their return trip and then Jeremy could have free reign over the music.

Stepping out of Michael’s cruiser he nearly tripped, legs a bit sore, he wasn’t used to driving around much anymore. At least that was the reason he wanted to cite, not the fact that he felt emotionally exhausted from reflecting on the last.. nearly 15 years of friendship now. Fuck. They really were approaching 15 years. A decade and a half. Over half his life.

“Jer?” Michael tossed a glance back at him, already halfway to the door. He did a half jog to catch up and he barely heard Michael’s voice over his thoughts, teasing him for pulling the  _ white person half jog.  _ “I’m ready to tear up a fucking milkshake, dude.”

Jeremy was less ready but Michael’s excitement was enough to drive him forward.

* * *

“Okay.. I think I’ll get some fries too. For milkshake dipping, obviously. Who would we be?” Michael peered at him over his menu as they made their ordering game plan and Jeremy gave him a tight lipped smile. “I dunno what shake though.”

“I’m just gonna get chocolate.” His voice was slightly muffled behind the menu as his eyes kept darting between nutrition facts.

“Boring!” Michael drew it out in a singsong tone, punctuated by tapping his shoe against Jeremy’s shin. “I think I’ll just go oreo. Absolute classic.”

Jeremy set his menu down, not meeting Michael’s eyes.

* * *

**mikey mike (1:08 am):** so we drove an hr to get milkshakes and i played him a playlist i made  
**mikey mike (1:08 am):** the one i showed u  
**richie rich (1:09 am):** the rlly gay one?  
**mikey mike (1:10 am):** its! songs we! listened to! in high school!  
**mikey mike (1:10 am):** only a little gay  
**mikey mike (1:10 am):** hes seemed a little off lately and i wonder if i messed something up hes kinda quiet rn  
**richie rich (1:11 am):** stop txting me then go talk to him idiot ://  
**mikey mike (1:11 am):** >:p

* * *

By the time their milkshakes arrived Jeremy had gotten a little better at pretending he was relaxed. He stole one of Michael’s fries to scoop up some shake, not noticing the way it made Michael’s shoulders relax. 

Unbeknownst to him Michael was taking this time to finally just look at him, if Jeremy was more composed he might have picked up on it. Whenever they met eyes Michael just pretended to be lost in his milkshake, immediately looking away. Really he was taking everything in, taking Jeremy in under the harsh fluorescent lights of the Steak ‘n Shake. He hadn’t allowed himself to really look at him too carefully, but he just couldn’t help it anymore. Everything he saw was just.. all he wanted, was that dumb? The acne scars, the messy stray hairs from having been curled up on the couch right before leaving, the bags under his eyes. And.. if he squinted, the slightest, thin scars that were barely noticeable on his cheekbones, fading back across his face. That wasn’t all the squip left, though, more scars branched down the back of his neck, growing thicker as they spread across his shoulder blades, almost taking on a slight blue-ish tone, though not like veins.. Michael had seen them after Jeremy had taken a shower and showed off his new top surgery scars, scars he could actually be proud of. Not the thin scars on his thighs or his upper arms, not scars from the squip, not scars from acne he just couldn’t help and spent years trying to scrub away. Since when had Jeremy gotten so  _ scarred?  _ Michael hadn’t even realized. He busied himself with shoveling fries and milkshake into his mouth. He just wanted to sweep him up - take all of that hurt away. Instead he just tried to start a conversation.

“Excited to be 19 soon?” If Jeremy noticed the shakiness to Michael’s voice he didn’t say anything.

“Shit. I almost f-forgot.” Jeremy absentmindedly stirred his milkshake. “It’s gonna be weird. N-Not being home for it.”

“You’re dad’s not coming up, right?” 

“Yeah.. since it’s t-tuesday and we have cl-classes. He’s g-gonna be donating to a m-mental health charity f-for me this year. He usually l-likes to get me a gift too but.. I th-thought it’d be nice s-since I don’t really follow other tr-traditions as much lately. Tzedakah, you kn-know.”

“Hey, well that’s good.” Michael gave him a smile and Jeremy returned it, there was still a shakiness but.. it was a smile. 

* * *

Break went by too fast, as it always did.

“Micah?” Jeremy groaned, feeling a nudge on his shoulder rousing him from sleep. There were nights that he and Michael went to bed at different times, this had been one of those nights. Michael had insisted that he not wait up, he was working on some homework at the coffee table, tv droning quietly. Jeremy didn’t put up a fight, retiring before 11, exhausted after messing up his normal schedule over the course of spring break. He blinked his eyes open, seeing Michael come into focus. His words were a bit garbled from the retainer in his mouth, the only evidence left over from his braces. If someone looked at Michael’s nightstand they’d see matching, but opposite, retainer cases that the boys had had for years, now. Michael had gotten him one as a parting gift to his braces when Jeremy finally got his off the year after he had.

“Hey, hey, hey.” It was soft, barely a whisper as a grin spread over Michael’s face. He was kneeling next to the bed, hand still on Jeremy’s shoulder. “You did it! You’re 19, Jerm!”

Rubbing at his eyes Jeremy struggled to push himself up until he was sitting, looking down at Michael. He breathed out a laugh, leaning into Michael’s hand as it rubbed his shoulder.

“I just wanted to.. I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am for these last few months. Living with you has been.. great, amazing really.” An almost nervous laugh fell from his lips and Jeremy blinked a few more times before he seemed awake enough to have any coherent thoughts. Though, he was still sleepy enough for an unabashedly dopey, fond look to cross his face as Michael spoke. “I am.. so happy that you could trust me and that I could be there for you. This semester has been great. I, yeah. Shit man. Happy birthday.”

While he didn’t verbally respond he didn’t have to, Jeremy just scooted to the edge of the bed, leaning down to pull Michael into a hug. It wasn’t like him to initiate those things but it felt good, he felt Michael relax against him.

“And.. I totally got you something.” After a minute he finally wiggled out of Jeremy’s grip, reaching behind himself to grab a present bag. “Also.. I did.. did? A  _ t..tzedakah? _ Is that right? I don’t think I pronounced that right. I tried to look up the pronunciation but.. I’m tired now. I donated to the Trevor Project, in honor of you coming out. I mean.. I guess we’re still not cis but.. you know! You’re bi! I’m proud!”

It wasn’t often that Michael got flustered during his word vomit and.. it was endearing. Jeremy couldn’t help but smile, shyly taking the present bag from Michael. “You d-didn’t have to do th-that. You didn’t have to do a-a-any of this.. I.. thank you.”

Michael watched with bated breath as Jeremy pulled tissue paper out of the bag, reaching in to finally pull out the gift. He watched Jeremy’s face change, softening as his eyes teared up. He was face to face with a dog plush - it wasn’t the same but it was light with dark, floppy ears. Dropping the bag he now held it with both hands, fingers shaking as he held it up to his face. As his fingers wrapped around it he could feel messy stitching on the underside of it. A beat passed where he swallowed thickly before inhaling. It smelled like lavender.

Nearly immediately, as he pressed the plushy further against his face he broke into sobs.

“Aw, shit. Shit, c’mere.” Michael pushed himself off the ground, standing by the edge of the bed as he gently took the plush, setting it next to Jeremy before pulling him into his arms. He pulled Jeremy up so he was standing, embracing him tightly. The muffled sobs he let out into Michael’s shoulder began to quiet as they swayed slightly together, Michael rubbing his back.

“Y-You’re.. so.. so.. you’re too g-good Micah.” It was mumbled against his neck as Jeremy nuzzled up against him, too tired and worn out from crying to be embarrassed by it. “I don’t d-deserve all this.. all y-you do.”

Michael squeezed him a bit tighter, pressing his nose against the side of Jeremy’s head. He breathed in the scent of shampoo that covered up his natural scent that was ever present. Letting his eyes shut his body relaxed. “It’s your birthday, don’t talk like that, man. Alright? You’re great. You deserve the world, Jerry.”

“Jeez,” Jeremy groaned against his neck now - Michael could feel his brow scrunch up in distaste. “You know I hate that one.”

“I know.”

* * *

“Michael.. c-come on.” Jeremy shifted on his feet, face flushed. “That’s too m-much.”

“Too late, already made the reservation!” Michael grinned, tapping him on the head as he walked past him. “We don’t have to dress fancy, though. I won’t embarrass you. It’s a cute place, Central and Main, it’s newer. Perfect for us younger generation.”

That got a laugh from Jeremy, he let his shoulders relax.

* * *

“Uh, I’ll have the r-r-rice bowl.” Towards the end Jeremy’s voice got a bit strained and he dropped his gaze, face lighting up with a dark blush. There was a slight flinch - the memory of the squip, Michael was sure. He hooked his ankle with Jeremy’s, something to ground him. Jeremy fiddled with the ends of his cardigan before his hands balled into tight fists.

“I’ll get the scallops,” Michael glanced back at the menu. He couldn’t help but take note that Jeremy ordered the cheapest and smallest seeming dinner. Furrowing his brow he looked up, “and.. we’ll get some hummus.”

As he said it he fixed Jeremy with a look, a look that seemed to say  _ ‘hey, it’s your birthday and I’m paying.’ _

Or perhaps it said,  _ ‘hey I want you to eat more than just a bowl of rice.’ _

“Also.. some sauteed spinach too, why not.” As Michael said it he noticed the slight worry on Jeremy’s face and he waved his hand dismissively before handing the waiter the menus.

“Michael,” it was an exasperated, harsh whisper.

“Don’t start with me.” There was a grin on his face despite his narrowed eyes. “And we’re doing dessert. And I’m buying. I know you hate people singing to you so we won’t exploit the fact it’s your birthday.”

Jeremy’s eyes shined with the threat of tears and he rubbed at his face with his sleeves, just thrown off by the fact that Michael held onto all those memories related to his comfort and anxieties. Michael hated to see him choked up but.. he did like seeing this more sensitive Jeremy. They changed in their own ways. Michael got more assertive of his needs and Jeremy got more receptive and tender.

“Fuck y-you man.” Jeremy mumbled it, turning his face away. Not before Michael could spot the grin, though. He’d do anything for that smile.

“My moms sent me some extra money, too. For your birthday. They were happy to see you last week. They were happy we’re getting along again. They love you, man.” A breathy laugh fell from Michael’s lips as he said it.

Jeremy couldn’t help it when his brain tried to isolate that  _ ‘love you, man’  _ tried to separate it and imagine it was just being said to him. He couldn’t help the brief pang in his chest. Instead he just settled on a soft, “it was nice t-to see th-them.”

“It was nice to see your dad doing better. I’m glad he’s been alright on his own.”

“Yeah I.. w-was kinda worried to l-leave but.. We’re not too f-far so.” Besides, Michael had heard him calling his dad at least twice a week. They figured out some sort of system. 

Their conversation flitted between random topics, Michael rambled a bit about his recent project. A lull fell over them as their hummus and spinach was set in front of them. Jeremy didn’t eat much of the starters but.. he tried. He smiled at Michael as he picked over the hummus, he’d try harder to finish his rice, he decided, leaning back in his seat. In the end he did. Even if it got harder with each bite.. he did. He’d always liked the idea of finishing and seeing food still in the bowl but he wanted to do it for Michael. In his eyes just in one day Michael had practically given him the world. It was the least he could do.

When it came time for dessert Jeremy lightly kicked at Michael’s shins as he ordered two.

“We’ll do the lemon sundae and.. chocolate pudding.” As the waiter walked away he stuck his tongue out at Jeremy.

“C’mon man! I d-don’t even want to think about t-the bill.” Jeremy’s fingers twitched, tapping on the table. “And I’m already pretty f-full.”

“Well.. the good thing is I’m not letting you see the bill.” He gave a toothy grin. “And the second good thing is that I’ll finish what you don’t. You’re the one who couldn’t decide, so what else was I supposed to do?”

“N-Not that!”

In the end Michael did end up finishing off most of the desserts, but only after Jeremy had at least  _ some  _ of each. They bumped ankles as Michael snatched the bill before Jeremy could look at it, a playful look in his eyes. Jeremy just tried not to read into it.

* * *

**mikey mike (9:56 pm):** i chickened out  
**mikey mike (9:56 pm):** i dont want to ruin everything between us  
**mikey mike (9:56 pm):** were in a really good spot  
**richie rich (9:58 pm):** dude  
**richie rich (9:58 pm):** youre just making it harder on urself by bottling it up  
**mikey mike (9:59 pm):** im not bottling! im telling you!  
**richie rich (10:00 pm):** ugh  
**richie rich (10:00 pm):** u want to date him  
**richie rich (10:00 pm):** ur incredibly close  
**richie rich (10:01 pm):** ur just fucking torturing urself by not doing anything  
**richie rich (10:01 pm):** ur gonna regret not sayin shit  
**mikey mike (10:02 pm):** ur one to talk  
**mikey mike (10:02 pm):** im not the only one pining over a hs friend  
**richie rich (10:03 pm):** shut up im focusing on work  
**richie rich (10:03 pm):** i just got that job w the lab  
**mikey mike (10:04 pm):** i know  
**mikey mike (10:05 pm):** sticking w psych then?  
**richie rich (10:06 pm):** yea i didnt want to do the same as jer i dunno just bc but  
**richie rich (10:07 pm):** we wanna do kinda dif tracks i hate thinking about ppl growing up like i did  
**richie rich (10:07 pm):** hey ur getting me off topic  
**mikey mike (10:08 pm):** who me?????

* * *

“Y-You really didn’t have to do all that t-today.” Jeremy held the stuffed dog close to his chest and he was pressed up against Michael’s. They’d blame it on the lack of space in Michael’s bed, but that was just a convenient excuse. Michael hummed, tipping his head to lightly bump against Jeremy’s. They both spoke with a slight garble from retainers, only noticeable to each other’s practiced ears.

“Jer. Your birthday is once a year.” He let his arm drape around Jeremy’s waist, eyes falling shut. “And.. ‘sides, I love you Jer. We’ve been through hell and back. I.. just let me do something nice.”

Jeremy’s throat felt tight, it was horrible and wonderful all at once. Michael  _ loved  _ him but.. not like that. He wasn’t  _ in  _ love with him. That would just have to be enough, he would just have to learn to be okay with it.

“Yeah.. I love you too, Mikey.” Of course he’d be able to get  _ that  _ out without a stutter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always ur kudos and comments keep me inspired to work!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for the past attempt at assault (its the chloe thing at halloween) also mention for past suicidal thoughts (from around the timeframe he was squipped) and panic attacks

It seemed like only the day before that Jeremy had shown up on Michael’s doorstep but now there was only about a month left until their final exams. Only a month left of their first year in college. The summer still held uncertainty and it scared Jeremy. He liked living with Michael and.. he loved his dad but it was hard to be at home. Part of him hoped that they could find jobs or something.. stay for the summer. Stay together.

“Okay, we’re stupid.” Jeremy was jolted from his thoughts as Michael flopped down onto the couch, holding onto his laptop. “We should have been looking for apartments. But.. I talked to my landlord and there’s a two bedroom unit if.. like your dad’s okay with the price. It’s a little pricey but.. you won’t need a dining plan and, uh, I’ve been able to cover groceries.”

There he went, rambling.

“I don’t want to m-make you have to move out of this space.” Over time his stutter had begun to slow down, he learned to reel it in with practice, now, not because of punishment. There was an unspoken addendum, _‘I don’t want to stop sharing a room.’_

“Well you don’t really.. live here and I don’t want to get you kicked out. Besides, if you officially live here you can actually use the gym and stuff whenever without being worried.”

“I.. yeah. You’re right. I’ll call my dad tomorrow and we c-can work on the lease? I’m sure he'll b-be alright with it.”

“Besides, with the extra space we can get you a desk, make a little office space.”

Well, that solved the bedroom problem.

Instead of addressing what Michael had said they brushed past it, looking at the available floor plan and discussing what they were going to do with the extra space.

* * *

 **christine (11:09 am):** hi jer!!! how are classes treating you? :~)  
 **jeremy (11:20 am):** not bad! how are yours?  
 **christine (11:23 am):** its amazing out here, really. everyones so nice  
 **christine (11:23 am):** you doing better since the fire? :~(  
 **jeremy (11:26 am):** yeah actually  
 **jeremy (11:26 am):** im doing amazing  
 **jeremy (11:26 am):** ive been living with micah  
 **christine (11:27 am):** i saw your guys instas! im glad you guys are better!  
 **jeremy (11:36 am):** yeah :^)  
 **christine (11:37 am):** i know i commented on your bi post on your private insta but also! im really happy for you :~)))  
 **jeremy (11:41 am):** <3 ty  
 **jeremy (11:54 am):** okay im totally in love with michael im gonna explode if i dont tell someone  
 **jeremy (11:54 am):** i told rich that i liked micah like months ago but theyre so close theres no way i can tell him im in love with him thats so much more than just a crush  
 **jeremy (11:55 am):** im totally in love with him but everything is perfect and i dont want to lose it  
 **christine (12:04 pm):** holy hell jer  
 **christine (12:04 pm):** okokok walk me through it from the beginning

* * *

Jeremy was going to do it. Well, he was going to do something. Maybe it wasn’t as brave or as romantic as everyone (read: Rich and Christine) was urging him to do but.. it was going to be all him. He was going to do it his way, on his terms. For once he’d do something without regretting it.

* * *

“C-Can I talk to you in french for a bit?” Jeremy was curled up on the couch, back pressed up against one of the arms, notebook resting on his stomach with some notes. Michael sat on the other end, one arm was draped over Jeremy’s legs since he wasn’t close enough to put them over his lap. “I got some s-stuff I wanna say.”

“Practice away dude, I won’t be much help but you can talk at me.” Michael shifted a bit, turning so that he could partially face Jeremy. His plan was falling into place. 

“Uh, je t'apprécie vraiment.. tu es la personne la plus importante de ma vie.” Michael smiled a bit, that second one was easy even just knowing english but.. either the first part wasn’t clear enough or it didn’t translate the same in spanish. He tried not to panic, glancing down at his notes to pick out a clearer phrase.

With a shaky breath and a couch to clear his throat he continued, “um, je veux vraiment t'embrasser. Je.. je veux être ton petit ami.”

“Aw, I like being your friend too.” Michael smiled and Jeremy was too busy internally collapsing, if he’d been paying attention he might have noticed Michael’s expression border on disappointment. “You’re getting good at that. I think it might be helping your stutter.”

For some reason he thought french and spanish were more similar than they really were. 

Either that or Michael was playing dumb.

* * *

 **mikey mike (3:32 pm):** jer practiced some french and like talked french to me and  
 **mikey mike (3:32 pm):** it was kinda hot not knowing what he was sayin  
 **richie rich (3:38 pm):** dude wtf  
 **richie rich (3:38 pm):** did u even try to translate him  
 **mikey mike (3:39 pm):** why  
 **richie rich (3:40 pm):** dunno  
 **mikey mike (3:40 pm):** :/  
 **mikey mike (3:41 pm):** i kept looking at his mouth and didnt remember anything  
 **richie rich (3:41 pm):** jeez

* * *

To be safe Jeremy gave it two weeks. Well, maybe that was overkill but he just wanted to put his train wreck, french confession to the back of his mind. In those two weeks the weather got warmer, enough so that they spent a little less time cooped up. Between classes he’d find himself meeting Michael out on the grass in front of whatever building was closest. Often Michael would show up with smoothies or coffees and Jeremy couldn’t help but realize that they were often places off campus - meaning that he’d risk his parking spot on campus to drive out and pick something up for them.

All the little things Michael did for him built up and he felt his confidence rise, just a bit. It was doubled sided, though, the last thing he wanted was to lose everything with him. At the same time all the doting made him wonder if Michael really did feel the same.

He decided to risk everything one night at the end of april, the heat was sticky and crickets chirped outside their window. _Their_ window. Michael slowly offered up his space and together they made it theirs. 

The window was cracked, letting in a light breeze. Nearly drowning out crickets was the drone of cars and the chatter of groups passing by. It was friday, a lot of people were out - they heard the cheers and chants of drunk people from down the street. Even Rich went out (Jake was in town) but.. Michael and Jeremy silently decided to stay in. Without even discussing it they ended up in bed, laying in the dark illuminated only by the moon and light cast in by the streetlight outside the window. It wasn’t even 10pm. 

Michael had pulled his shirt off and Jeremy’s cheek almost stuck to his chest with sweat, he kept his shirt on to keep their whole torsos from clinging to each other. Their legs were tangled together. Being just in boxers their leg hair felt itchy to each other, though, they didn’t say anything. Bits of audio blurted out from Michael’s phone as he scrolled through twitter, watching videos from the meme pages Jeremy was sure he followed. He listened, trying to picture what each video would be, closing his eyes as he pressed his face a bit closer to Michael’s chest.

“Hey.” Michael’s voice roused him from his thoughts, he’d just begun to open his own mouth when he was cut off. “What.. is this?”

“What?” Jeremy opened his eyes, watching as Michael’s arm shifted to set his phone next to him on the sheets. His other hand nervously brushed over Jeremy’s back. “What..what’s what?”

“This.” Michael turned a bit, moving more onto his side, pulling Jeremy just slightly closer in towards his chest. Jeremy felt Michael press his nose into his hair, trying not to think about how close Michael’s lips were to his head. Michael’s voice was strained (worried??) - it wasn’t the time to be thinking about that.

“Laying down?” Jeremy bit his tongue as his voice cracked, rising an octave at the end.

“Okay.” Michael sounded.. disappointed? Jeremy grit his teeth, balling his hands into tight fists. He knew Michael, he knew that he’d said it too dismissively, he’d said it as if he was writing him off. Guilt. Guilt settled heavy in his stomach, Michael always took him into account - his anxiety, his traditions, anything that had to do with him. The least he could do was be more careful. Rejection sensitive dysphoria, that was the issue.

“Hey, hey.” Jeremy shifted, wrapping his arms around Michael’s shoulders, moving until they were impossibly close. “I just.. I d-don’t know?”

“Me either.” They fell silent, their breath slowly matching up. There was a tenseness, though, they both just played it off as their usual comfort. But.. it didn’t feel right. Anxiety just bubbled in Jeremy’s chest, slowly turning into something suffocating.

“S-Sorry.. I,” he couldn’t help it when the words finally tumbled from his mouth and he all but jerked away from Michael, squirming out of his arms. He didn’t leave, though, he sat there now next to Michael. He felt colder despite the humid air. “I didn’t.. uh..”

Michael would never do it. While he’d been working harder to take his needs into account he would never do it. (Well, assuming he felt the same way.) Jeremy knew this. Deep down he knew that he had to take the first step, no matter how badly he wished Michael would. So he did. He took the jump. He did it.

Leaning down he paused an inch from Michael’s face - the pause wasn’t long enough for him to react, only long enough for Jeremy to press palms against Michael’s face. His palms were sweaty and his lips were trembling but they were kissing. It wasn’t a desperate makeout but it wasn’t anything chaste, after a moment Jeremy swung a leg over Michael’s torso. Without pulling away Michael pushed himself up, leaving Jeremy in his lap as they kissed. His hands were hesitant, settling on the small of his back.

“I love you.” Their foreheads were pressed together and Jeremy spoke in between short kisses. His chest heaved with a sob and instead of facing it he just kept a tight hold on Michael’s face. He’d face it eventually, _they_ would. For now all he wanted was to keep kissing him.

Michael seemed to understand and they were moving, tipping backwards and shifting legs until Jeremy was underneath him. They only broke for short breaths. Their hands moved now - suddenly they couldn’t get enough of each other. One Michael’s hands found his hips, thumb pressing hard into his skin. Neither of them acknowledged how small he was, how Michael felt as if he could break him. Instead Jeremy slid his hands up into Michael’s hair, tangling in tightly until he was rewarded with Michael biting his lip.

Kissing turned into making out as Jeremy’s tears dried. At this point he didn’t care if Michael loved him, at least he didn’t hate him, didn’t pull away and tell him to leave. He was kissing him like nothing else mattered and.. nothing did. At this moment the only thing that mattered was each other, they both knew this. Hands moved again, Michael moved so that was bracing himself with his forearm over Jeremy. His other hand slipped up the back of his shirt, just running over his skin. His mouth moved too, now, kissing a trail down his jaw until he could press his face into the crook of his neck. It didn’t feel right and as soon as he felt breath against his shoulder he felt himself start to shake, pulling his hands away from Michael, instead pushing at his shoulders. His breaths turned into shallow gasps.

“Jer?” Michael basically flinched, scrambling until he was sitting back, though still straddling him - there wasn’t a lot of room. His own tone turned panicked and he held his hands close to his body. “I’m sorry.. I thought.. I just thought.” 

“I-I-I,” he felt like a record, stuck, skipping. He moved his legs a bit, working with Michael to separate them until they were sitting. He pulled his knees up towards his chest and wasn’t able to help the tears. Twice in less than an hour, he would’ve laughed if he could. “S-Sorry..”

“Dude, hey. Fuck. Don’t be. Just..” Michael rubbed at his arms, feeling too exposed now without a shirt. He couldn’t get himself to move, though. “Just.. I don’t.. what’s wrong?”

Scrubbing at his face, Jeremy tried to compose himself. Heaving breaths slowed down, even if they were still shallow he wasn’t quite hyperventilating. He kept his gaze down, pressing his hands against his own cheeks in.. shame? “I don’t kn-know.. I didn’t think..”

Silence, he was met with silence. Michael was patient, like always. It made him want to cry again, he just felt pathetic, he couldn’t believe that Michael was still just sitting there, waiting for him to spit it out.

“The.. _the_ Halloween p-party.” Michael’s face creased a bit, Jeremy understood. It wasn’t a good time to remember - for anyone, evidently. “Chloe.. she, uh. I d-don’t know. She like.. tr-tried to.. get w-with me. Uh, you kn-know. And.. and the sq-sq-squip wanted me to. I.. didn’t w-want to.” His breaths caught in short wheezes but he just swallowed and kept going, “then I ran into y-you and.. I st-still can’t.. I d-didn’t want.. I love you so.. so much Michael. And th-then I remember everything I did and I f-feel sick! It was h-horrible and then I did horrible things!”

There was silence but Michael shifted closer, holding an arm out. Jeremy accepted, hesitantly, moving closer until he was pressed to Michael’s side, his arm a comfortable weight over his shoulders. 

“I just w-wanted to die. Before.. after.. d-d-during. It told me everything wr-wrong with me. It told me and m-made me repeat it back. And repeat it. And repeat it.” His hands curled into tight fists and he all but collapsed in on himself. “But the w-worst part is knowing what I did to _you._ And n-now I messed this all u-up!”

“Jer. I love you too.” Another sob broke free as Jeremy did collapse this time, drooping against Michael’s chest as his other arm moved up to hold him. It was a messy cry, full of hiccups and wheezes and gasps. It was exhausting. “You didn’t deserve any of that shit. Any of it. Yeah, you hurt me and yeah.. we both had to live with that for like two years. But we’re here, you’re here. Okay? You’re _alive_ and.. I’m so fucking happy.”

Michael was crying, Jeremy felt a tear drop down onto the top of his head. It only made his shoulders shake more.

“I’m so fucking in love with you. I’m.. I’m so happy that we’re where we are so that I _can_ love you. I just.. I feel.. I’m sorry I never want to make you feel.. like..” Jeremy already knew what he was going to say and just wrapped his arms around Michael. A silent acknowledgement, _‘I know.’_ If he trusted anyone with him, with his body, then it was Michael.. he just needed time.

They had plenty.

* * *

They woke up in each other’s arms. Jeremy’s jaw was sore, every time he forgot his retainer he would grind his teeth without fail. He couldn’t be mad for too long, though, Michael’s breath was warm against the back of his neck. It lulled him back to sleep easier than he cared to admit.

“I love you.”

It was a killer thing to wake up to. Michael leaned over him, nudging his shoulder. His body felt heavy, worn out from crying - and from oversleeping. The sun from the window was harsh, it had to have been at least noon. As soon as he rolled over his eyes were welling with tears. Leaning above him was Michael, sans shirt and _beautiful._ The sun cast over his skin and Jeremy would swear he was glowing.

“I made breakfast.. uh, lunch.”

“Brunch?” Jeremy managed a smile as he spoke, voice heavy as the taste of sleep still sat in his mouth. The smile was a lot of things: tired, nervous, and still a little sad, but it was there. 

Brushing his teeth could wait because Michael was heading back out of his room towards the kitchen and Jeremy couldn’t help but follow. He’d follow him wherever he asked. When he saw down a plate was set in front of him, egg and cheese between two pieces of toast.

“So.. I.. I don’t know how to,” Michael sat down next to him with his own plate. He rubbed at the back of his neck briefly. “How to ask.. about us.”

“Yeah.. I,” Jeremy shifted a bit where he sat, fingers twitching nervously. “I want.. I w-want to be your.. boyfriend.”

“You wanna be my boyf?” There was a glint in Michael’s eye and everything felt right. A laugh sputtered from Jeremy and he leaned to bump their shoulders. “I finally get to be your riend. Holy shit, my moms are _really_ gonna love this.”

“I love you.” He couldn’t help it, the way Michael looked at him made him want to cry, it made him feel safe.

“Jer, I love you too.”

Jeremy ate the whole sandwich. Then he ate a whole orange. If he couldn’t do it for himself then he could do it for Michael until it got easier. They had each other. For now that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so........... thats it! if yall want i can make epilogues/sequels for the rest of their time in college (dates, fluff, graduation, first time, theres options folks) but for this bit its over!


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